Hmm....Yay!

Today is me and Andy's 6 month anniversary. Woo-Hoo! Party!!!

lol....I love him so much...=D

What if..

I hate having to question myself. Because, all that does is make for misgivings and depression. I mean, having to rethink, replan, and revision.......it's stressful on several levels.

You first think about your past. You think about your mistakes, things you could have done better. Maybe you think about decisions you have made that could have, now thinking back, been handled differently. Then you look at things as they are in the present. The pros, the cons, the so-so's, and the down-right "well-that-just-sucks" factors. And after viewing all these, you come to the worst of revelations : you resort to thinking about the future, and you start using "what if".

OMG I HATE THAT PHRASE. WHAT IF.....THAT SUBJECTS TO NOTHING BESIDES ITSELF, AND ALTHOUGH IT IS IMAGINARY, I HATE IT. THIS IS PROBABLY WHERE MOST DOUBT IN GENERAL COMES FROM. ARGG....I HATE IT.....

What if I did this differently.....what if I stayed the same......what if I didn't eat that hamburger....the list goes on and on. This is where the danger is.

Sometimes, once done with the what if-ing, you reflect upon your happiest moments...and you pretty much convince yourself that all is good in the world, that nothing could be better, and that you are happy again.

But pretty much convinced is all most anyone gets....we still doubt, we still wonder, and we still beg the question....

What if....

A warning

Yesterday I realized I'm entering another depressive phase...I mean, I was yelling at my mom and I cried for 2 hours over everything that's been shitty......

Idk..I just wanted to make that announcement...

How depressing...

The Wrong Move..

alone i walk in shimmering wonder
the fog of uncertainty clinging close
though inside my options show clear
burning truth through all the shadows.

each choice swirls about my cautious mind
teasing with visions and fantasies wild
and i, swayed easily
venture deathly close to the edge of my precipice.

how could such solitary thoughts create such chaos?
i beg to know the truth of my actions
where does it all lead, and where am i going
and how would a sudden change effect the future..

deciphering between each provoking question, tempt,
my hands reach out for that vision in my dreams.
it seems so close, so promising and true,
and risking it all, i jump.

but falling, i realize my presumptions and guesses
were anything but correct, and the fog slips away.
the reality coming faster at me, my body accelerating to the end,
i cry a single tear...for what could have been..but you weren't there...

Red Roses and Daises

i'm looking for romance, passion
for red roses, daises
none of vagueness and maybes
i want a love that's true,
refined
so you have me
and i have you...

little girls grow bigger
thinking of their prince charming
no that's nothing alarming,
rather just what is..
and when i think about you
how when we're together it's more like one
than two
i can't help but smile..
knowing how perfect it all is.....

i'm looking for romance, passion
for red roses and daises
none of vagueness or maybes
i want a love that's true,
refined
so you have me
and i have you...

nothing makes me happier
than knowing i am your star
and residing in belief
and constant wonder, relief,
of how i came into your life...
how i earned that place in your heart......

i'm looking for romance, passion
for red roses and daises
none of vagueness or maybes
i want a love that's true,
refined
so you have me
and i have you....

all my todays and tomorrows
i'm with you, i can remove my sorrows,
take all of me, i give it free
this is what i want..
what i've hoped for..for so long.....

i was looking for romance, passion
for red roses and daises,
none of vagueness or maybes
i wanted a love that was true,
refined...
in you it's all combined...
so you've got me...
and i...i've got you..

Kisses

Happy Heart Day.....

Adkins Fails in This Case....

Stress. I think I have too much of it....and you know, it's not healthy either. And to make it worse, it's not like a food thing where you can take certain things out of your diet to make things better, oh no. Stress is just there, resulting from everyday scenarios that I CAN'T replace...that I CAN'T remove...

Arggg...it's just all so hectic..

Why can't it be friday........?

Whatever it is, it's not there...

...I feel as if there's something missing from my life..almost as if I'm missing out on something.

everything just feels so imcomplete....and I'm at such a loss, because I don't know what to do..

Our One Chance..

everyday is just as the previous
as time goes on.
nothing stays, it's always coming
and going,
leaving behind a brief memory
of what you so quickly had
and lost.
each second,
before that ultimate second,
had but one chance to have impact
one chance to prove
before slipping away and
becoming only but a whisper
of a thought.
but in that one second,
our souls crying out,
begging for redemption
from each other,
all time stopped.
the grains of sand in the
hourglass froze.
our eyes remained unblinking,
though our hearts still pounding,
still pure.
all was ours,
and we were everything.
but, though a fancy new
phenomona,
this moment, too, had to depart-
and depart it did as
our time-
our whole lifetime in that
nanosecond
was gone,
leaving only the tormenting
memory and lingering
feel of your touch...