Quick Update.

Yesterday was 5 months for me and Andy....just thought I'd mention that..

Lacking

I can't feel my right foot....

Hate Blog

i hate cold weather. i hate just being cold. i hate how people that i like to consider friends talk about me and stab me in the back.

i hate capitalization of letters on the computer. i hate how people jugde without reason. i hate biology almost as much as i hate algebra.

i hate stuffy noses, but i like to sneeze. but if i sneeze and that means i am sick, i hate it.

i hate how i always feel inferior, though i hate knowing that i'm inferior even more.

i hate the way i treat people. i hate being a hypocrite. i hate saying i hate being a hypocrite because i know that in itself is being hypocritical.

i hate when i lie and am dishonest, because not only is it bad, but i know that it's bad and i do it anyway.

i hate how i don't deserve my boyfriend...because he thinks it's the other way around.

i hate how i hate so much.....................it only makes me depressed.

The Ways of Time

i opened my eyes,
and everything was as it should be,
how it always would be.
dawn had kissed the morning sky
to awaken it early
and the sky, in return, blushed beautifully,
bathing all life
in it's rosy glow.
larks sang to each other
with floating song
and light breezes brought scents of life and
blossom from the
apple tree and the
orchid petal.
stretching out on the springing grass
i sipped in the freshness and innocence of life
and pleasure of being at
eternal
internal peace.
i blinked.
suddenly the world i knew but a few moments ago
was gone.
the brightness and new
of the morning, wet and dew,
was absent.
storm clouds rolled in above
casting eerie greenish
grayish colors
beridding me of the feelings of hope-
of enjoyment i had been feeling.
fearfully glancing,
my songbirds in the trees had flown elsewhere,
away from this tragedy...
hark! no, they had rather been replaced
by monsters
snarling, sneering
leering at me with gnashed teeth
and fists bared.
butterflies that had adorned the earth then,
had now disappeared
so that thousands of bees,
wasps
swarmed at the living, the venerable.
their vesping in my ears and
poisonous needles drove me close to insanity
as i stumbled from my once quiet place.
wind lashed at my body,
knocking me down, filling my nose with smells of
death, despair
turmoil and melonchaly displacements.
begging, my soul cried out for redemption
for a return of what was.
my heart mourned for that purity
that peace and serenity,
and i closed my eyes
and kept them closed,
for fear of what else would happen
once they opened.......

Just why....

....Isn't it funny how we always get what we ask for?

I mean, it's not always when and where we want it, but for me, it's happened. And that's not good.

I just think about everything and I want to kick myself, because just when you think everything is perfect and it couldn't be better, things come along, show what you COULD have, what COULD happen, and it changes your whole way of thinking.

It's just all so confusing and frustrating right now. I don't know what to do anymore......

Too Much

Have you ever had one of those days when a lot happens, like too much for you to even consider going over, and you feel so bloated with new information (good and bad) that you almost can't function?

I don't know...maybe it's just a fluke, but today has just been.........overwhelming. I've learned some great stuff, heard some cool things, and realized a few bad...........

I don't like this feeling...

The Guiding Light

there was a time
though not so long from now
when i had been lost
in a sea of confusion, a forest of lies

my curiosity and doubt
blinded my vision
and blurred my way of thinking
so that i felt helpless, alone

when suddenly it seemed,
amid the dark and the dull,
a light appeared,
bringing hope

i followed that light,
that glimmering spark of energy
of life
as we together escaped despare

it outshone all the evil
and denounced all the bad
so that we were safe with each other,
so that we could find our way

eventually, we had come to an impass
the threatening trees of the forest diminished
and the waves of the treacherous sea calmed
as we stepped out, on safe ground

but suddenly, my light was gone
its presence no longer was there
and i was left to find my way
alone....

even now the whisper of that light still shines
and at times seems to flirt with reality -
forcing me to rethink and wish
of another time, another chance to be saved.....

A Story

once upon a time there was a happy puppy. his name was pony. pony the happy puppy loved sunshine and purple chapstick.

one day, pony the happy puppy was strolling down the sidewalk with his friend llama when he realized tha he forgot his lucky carrot.

pony the happy puppy NEVER does ANYTHING without his lucky carrot.

so, pony the happy puppy rushed back to his doghouse to find that his lucky carrot had disappeared. in a desperate attempt in finding the lucky carrot, pony the now-not-so-happy puppy ran all about town searching.

suddenly, on the side of the road, a friendly looking stranger opened the door to his car. "i'll help you find your lucky carrot, pony. look, i even have some purple chapstick for you."

thrilled, pony the now-happy-like-he-used-to-be puppy jumped into the car and they sped off.

unknown to pony the happy puppy, llama had eaten the lucky carrot. (llama laughs manically)


*********************************

the moral of the story is, never trust your best friend, llama, to be true to you. all he wants is your carrot.

Eternal Questions

do you ever wonder
do you ever think
about what happened, and why
what would float
what would sink
if everything just continued on
and nothing ended...

would the sun ever rise
or never go away
if things never changed
would it all be the same way
would we keep on learning
would the breeze just keep blowing
possibly my heart,
still yearning,
would pray for one more kiss..
if so, then the world would be different -
or not, since it would be unchanged?
would our whole population be just as cruel
indifferent, deranged..
would the wars still be fought
if given the chance
would love be everlasting
would life be without romance
things come and things go
they end, and they die
but just to question,
if there was such a world
it would be as it was,
i wouldn't have had to beg why..
would it always be summer
or possibly spring
maybe relationships wouldn't exist
it would be just a fling
would tomorrow be possible
or would yesterday be here
the future so far
the past so near
where would i be now
and who with, i wonder
would there be clear skies
or lightening and thunder..
today i question all things of now
and does anything last?
though change is nice and variation accepted -
what of those things from the past.......

Happy Break!!

....School's back in session..but oh was the break fun.

The first night of Christmas break was cool, a whole bunch of us actually went to Mars's house to have a surprise birthday party for Abby and Amanda...and an "almost New Years" party for me, since I wasn't going to be there for New Years Eve. There was lots of food and even more people, I couldn't believe how many people actually came. It was so overwhelming, the house was just teeming with these bodies..moving, milling, and making lots of noise. Irrelevent, it was nice. Then that friday night I had Andy come over, and we had our lil mini Christmas. He got me this big stuffed snowman that we agreed should be named Bernie, some socks, Reeses Peanut Butter cups (the giant ones) and a silver necklace with a heart pendent on it. It's beautiful, I wear it all the time.

So then it was Christmas Eve, which was then followed by Christmas Day. Woo-Hoo!! That was fun. I got a cell phone!! I was so happy, and I hyper-ventilated for like 30 minutes - I was just so happy!

The day after that, I went to Mars's house. Everyone was there, although sitting around, staring at each other like mindless clones. I livened things up though. ;) My grandparents from Missouri came that night too. On wednesday I went with the Pep Band to play in place of the OSU band at an OSU basketball game. It was fun, except for the fact that I felt as if i had to barf the entire time. I think it was the food....I don't know, but I think I might've had a fever or something and didn't feel well.

We left teh next morning to go up to Michigan for my cuz Liz's wedding. (For more about the wedding....well, I'm gonna have to dedicate a separate blog to that.)

After that trip, we came home and I watched the OSU football game vs. Notre Dame with Andy yesterday. Yay!! Go bucks!! We won!!

Ok....that's about it....tee hee.