Falling

Ok, so nothing absolutely awesome has really happened today. Not that I expected it, it just didn't happen. I'm insanely tired from dance last night, my whole body just aches, and I've been really depressed anyway. You see, I think my boyfriend is on the verge of breaking up with me.....for 7 months we've gone strong but now I think he's trying to be rid of me. I'm past crying...I mean, I know I'll cry if/when it happens, but I already did my "What if he..." cry and so now I'm just depressed about the whole situation, knowing that I can't do a thing to make him change his mind. Everything seems so pointless, hopeless, dreary and miserable. Sure, I've been putting on a mask for everyone out there at school and stuff, it may seem as if I'm fine. But really I feel as if I'm falling deep into a chasm, falling inevitably into a misty abiss, not quite sure of what lies ahead (or beneath me) but knowing that whatever it is, I shall have to face it, bad or worse. And I love him...oh God, how I do. But there is one thing I have learned from all this horror and relationship hell.

You can't make someone love you back....

Tired and awaiting the morn.

Well, I'm sitting here at my computer, I just finished dance, and I feel as if I might die. Or maybe I already did......maybe. But I'm looking forward to tomorrow, it's the big 1-5 and I'll be happy because of it. Or at least I HOPE I'll be happy. Birthdays don't mean much to me...I mean, they're great for other people and I like to do special things for my friends and family on the special day, but for me it's like "Eh...don't care." So oh well. Let them celebrate, they're happy, not complaining, so why should I? I guess all I can do now is sleep and wait til the morn.....or I could get a massage and forget my sad life...move to Florida, and lay on the beach. I think I know which one I like best........

Resigned

I can't say what it is, or at least I won't, and I don't want to dwell, but this is my promise, I will do it. I have to.

Woah

I am well aware of my previous blog and yet I am compelled to say this seeing as it has just struck me and I don't want to forget. I have been printing the past 2 entries in the same hue of blue. Coincidence? I think not. Or maybe it is...I haven't realized I'm doing it. That is SO weird. I'll try to stop. Sorry for any wondering.

What's the point?

I was going to write about my weekend, tell about my whole "Easter experience" but I'm too tired. Maybe tomorrow when I have more energy. Ok.

Hope is not totally lost...

Well, I just got a phone call about an hour ago. A couple of the guys asked me to go to the movies tonight..we're going to see Miss Congeneality 2. I guess John was supposed to go with them, but ya know...he's grounded. So...yeah, I'm going anyways. I think we'll have a good time, even though John won't be there. I can't not do anything over this break just because he's not allowed to leave the house. No offense to him...it's just it's my weekend too. And I'll call him later..if he doesn't call first.

Waiting not-so patiently

"John" got grounded last night. Yay for him. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do with my Easter break. Maybe he'll get off early....but I doubt it. (sigh) I guess we'll just wait and see.

I shall christen him "John"

I am feeling rather ambitious right now...I am definitely in the mood to type..so, I shall inform all about my boyfriend...and for his sake, I shall refer to him as "John". (Although, in reality, his name is NOT John. This is just to keep his secrecy and mine from the world wide web...sorry kids.)

John and I have known one another now since...hmmm...well, I've known him since I was 2. I suppose that my crush on him began 2 years ago, I in 7th grade, him in 8th. Of course, this didn't work well for me, I mean, I was a mere &th grader, and I probably didn't..no COULDN'T compare to the 8th grade girls...besides, I was pretty dorky. (Lol. Trust me, I've cleaned up my act.) He talked to me, I talked to him, we rode the same bus, all was good. But then he went into high school..and I was still in junior high. Thus, my infatuation dwindled, and he quickly left my mind. I figured that it wasn't to be, and that after a whole year, my feelings would die anyway.

So, as I forced myself, I went through my 8th grade year as usual. Yes, I did occasionally think on him, who wouldn't think of their crush?! But, he soon left my mind and faded from my everyday thoughts.

Summer draws near.

He magically appears at my dance recital at the beginning of June. (Ok, not really MAGICALLY...his sister dances at my studio, but still, he was there.)

He is really happy to see me, and tells me to go online right when I get home. I'm like "Ha! Anything for you!!" I was curious too.

So he asks me to be his date to his relative's wedding that month. I was thrilled!! Beyond thrilled really. At this point I was in blissful ecstacy.

Obviously, though, not everything turns out hunky-dory.

I was to be gone on a family vacation that day. Oh joy.

So he said no problem, and he told me to send him a postcard. Okay!

I get back, but I become really busy with summer band and freshman orientation stuff that I can't really talk to him. He does send me a post card from HIS family vacation though...hehe.

Then the fair starts in. And after the parade on the second to last day of the fair, he follows me in to the cattle barn (I show steers) and we talk for hours, late into the night. The next day he comes to the fair and once again we chat til darkness falls.

Anyways.....long story short (too late) he asks me to the Homecoming Dance, and after to be his girlfriend. As of last week Wednesday, we have been "going out" for 7 months.

He is so sweet though. Smart in his academics, brilliant when it comes to music, and always trying to do what I want. He's caring, thoughtful (most of the time) and is all I could want.

And.....even after this long, it still gives me tingles when I see him, when he smiles.

(sigh)

Hmph..well, I've already expreienced my first troubles with logging in here at blogger. I don't understand sometimes, I personally think my computer is conspiring against me. It's been plotting mutiny for months now. What did I do to get such a lousy attitude? Who knows. Maybe it'll work out better next time. Maybe not. Ahh well.

Hmm..first time eh?

Hmm...I don't know whether to say "Hi! This is my first time writing here, please welcome yourself to reading my thoughts, feelings, and random rantings," or warn you to keep a ten foot distance and never return again. Sometimes my problems are a little overbearing, and many times kill too many brain cells thinking over. (Now who wants that?!) So okay...at least I've warned you.