Apology

Sorry that I haven't been writing much..I've been stuck with the grandparents, and haven't really had much time to be blogging.....after saturday I'll be writing as usual. Until then, my entries will most likely be brief and random. Til then...

Oh how it burns...

Oh how it burns......the sunburn I have all over my arms, shoulders, and legs that might make people mistake me for an oversized lobster...........................and the burning in my heart. I miss him...can't he know how much I'm torn up inside?

Happy Father's Day

The title speaks for itself.

The Perfect Choice

should i take the plunge
maybe do the dare
how can i make you see
how much i actually care
i wanna open up
let it all hang loose
but if i tell you all
would i just tighten the noose....

i wanna scream it shout it
tell it from the highest mountain
live it yet die for it..
but thinking, could it be the perfect choice
to love you...

writhing in my sleep
drowning in my tears
i want to be with you
confront all my fears
how can i tell myself
to do the ultimate..
but then again you are my ultimate.....

i wanna scream it shout it
tell it from the highest moutain
live it yet die for it..
but thinking, could it be the perfect choice
to love you...

is this how it should be
oh please just come with me
should we show them how we feel
make this dream become real...

i wanna scream it shout it
tell it from the highest mountain
live it yet die for it..
but thinking, could it be the perfect choice
to love you...

Chrissy's Party

Ahhhhhh...it's been such a productive, feel-good, happy day. You see, today I helped set up a suprise graduation party for one of my friends, Chrissy.

We had the food, the music, the pictures, even the little blue and gold tablecloths.....and I think she enjoyed herself immensely. She seemed shocked (she didn't think she would have one) but then after awhile she loosened up, getting rid of the deer-caught-in-headlights look, and was having the best of times. For the longest time I had this stupid, silly grin on my face.....it's gone now....=D

Then Marissa and I went to Megan's party, ate some food, visited....fun times there too.

I can't wait til I'm a senior and can plan all this stuff out.....dang it...

And despite the whole having to go out and work in the barn in a couple of minutes, my mom saying I prolly won't be able to go anywhere this evening, and the fact that I haven't talked to Peter face-to-face in 3 weeks, let alone the problem with him "trying to figure things out"...........................I'm still happy. We did good with Chrissy's party. I hope it's something she'll remember and cherish for many years to come.

I think it's love...

Is it possible for me to love him?

I know that we were never really official...I know that it was "supposed" to be a secret. And, now, I know that at this time....we're not really anything..he's "stepping back to think it over"....

I guess I never really thought about the actual thing...love...

With John it was one of those things where I figured it would just come to me...I know that might sound awful, but it's true. And I do think after a certain time I did love him.

With Peter...we haven't had a chance to be open about "us", we haven't been able to truly own the title of "us" now that I think about it. I mean we did, but privately...

When I used to think of him, I would get butterflies, but not nervous ones. I was never nervous around Peter...I felt so comfortable, so free with him. No matter what was going on, I would smile, picturing his face, his laugh, his own smile....and now when I think of him, I start to cry, or become depressed because I don't know how he feels, or if I'm allowed to feel this way.

And to top it all off, I think I love him.

You know, some people think you can't love this young...it just doesn't happen. That's for older people. But in all honesty, where's the line drawn? How old do you have to be exactly? There is no age limit, is there?

Puppy love some may call it...ha...ok sure.

But when I think of Peter, when I see his face in my mind's eye, I feel so strange. There is no word to describe it...there really isn't. (Believe me, sitting here, I would type some words, the erase, type and erase...nothing can suffice for the actual feeling.)

I can't write it out.....but I can feel it. It's as close as air, as vast as a sea. It's as strong and fast as a gust of wind, and as gentle as a summer breeze. All my senses come alive, and at least for that moment, with him, or seeing him, or even imagining him...I know things will be alright, I know everything will work out.

Things right now, although he isn't sure about continuing this through...well, I feel the same way I did before, despite the pain and the hurt I have now.

If this isn't love, then what is......tell me that.

A fill in.

Well well well.......I haven't written anything in a couple of days.....maybe I should fill you guys in on things.

Let's see...well, my recital didn't go as horribly as I had planned, although I think I have suffered from a minor concussion...I hit my head from one of the moves in a certain dance, and my head ached for days (it still does) and my eyes were dilated and everything....I had fun though. Recitals are always exciting.

My parents are still thinking about the whole "getting-a-dog" issue. I'm starting to doubt every word they say on the matter; I truly don't think I'll get one. Oh well. According to them, I should suck it up..I guess it isn't that big of a deal, but when it's something I've wanted for so long, and I have been patient....I haven't been pestering up until about 2 weeks ago....argg.

Yesterday I got a letter in the mail that quite suprised, shocked, and thrilled me. I have the chance to become a squad leader in the St. Marys All Brass Band in the years of 2005-2006!!! Mind you, it hasn't been decided yet, but I received a letter stating I should go to the Freshman Orientation days to see. Funny...I didn't think you could be one, or even be considered until you were at least a junior. So yes....plenty of celebrating on my part.

Still no word from Peter....I haven't received a single call from him, but then again, I've only been home part of the day, gone a couple of the evenings this week, and when I'm home, my brother's always using the phone..........for all I know he could've called then. Who knows. I AM upset about it though...the whole ordeal...I don't know what to say to him....yes, I really like him, and I don't want to think about him possibly wanting to call it off....I've cried I think every night so far since when he told me...( I'm such a baby, I know....) I don't know....I think the if I could just see him....I could possibly change his mind...I haven't seen him in 3 weeks mind you....it's depressing...

Anywho, there's an update....I've been so busy with summer gym to even notice what day it is, let alone how many blogs I've posted lately. Only a week and a half left!! I'm counting down.

My lack of sleep.

Peter has decided that he should stand back and think things over about us...he doesn't want to hurt me, make me think we might be together, because he doesn't know if that can ever happen. He's afraid to talk to his parents, so he's not sure it'll work. He likes me a lot, he cares about me, he wants to date me/be my boyfriend, but he doesn't want to hurt me, so he's going to think it over. That's what he thinks.

What I think?

He shouldn't be worried, he's already hurting me when he says he needs to think about it. He should just tell his parents that he likes me, and is going to date me...he doesn't have to tell them about all the dates before. He could have them meet me, I know that if they did, they might change their minds. He could listen to his heart, follow his heart.

I personally think we should ride our feelings, take them as far as they'll go. His parents may not know, but I think he should tell him what he's gonna do...we're never gonna get approval if he doesn't say anything.

I like him so much...in so many more ways than I ever did with John. I had a huge fall when John broke up with me..I don't think I can bare to have it happen again in 3 months' time. He means so much.

And then he says stuff like "I'm not saying we'll never be together, I just don't know what to think right now.." and then "I wanna still call you a lot...I'm gonna call from soccer camp this next week...".

I don't know what I'm supposed to think, or how I'm supposed to feel. Happy that he's considering my future broken-heart, or sad and depressed that he's thinking we should stop everything all together. I like him too much to lose him now...but I don't know what I can say to sway him....

Hence my lack of sleep last night...I prolly won't sleep tonight either...

I'm gonna do so bad at my recital.....

WARNING!!!

I just thought I'd let everyone out there on the world wide web know that you can never count on anything..no matter how much faith and trust you have it in, no matter how sure you are, you can never guarantee something--anything--will happen.

For all we know, the world could stop turning, and we could all die tomorrow. Today could have been our last day living. I could die in a fatal crash, or be bitten by a West Nile-infected mosquito and die in a matter of weeks........

Don't plan, because somehow, someway, you WILL be disappointed, and you WILL be let down. (Either that, or you're all safe, and it's just me that the world and all its beings are out to get....)

And beware of people...they like to munipulate others.......

If you're possibly in a slightly good mood, then don't read this.

Ok, so maybe this weekend won't be so hot...I prolly shoulda known it..it just hadn't sunk in til about right now.

First of all, I didn't feel good yesterday. Some might say "Oh..well, that was thursday, not friday...that won't go into the weekend..." Try again, loser, it does....I had to get blood drawn yesterday, which in all honesty wouldn't have been so bad if they didn't have to send me to the hospital where I don't know the doctors, where they stuck me twice in my left arm, then decided to stick me in my right arm too...just cuz they weren't god enough to get enough blood in the first (and second) tries. Come on people, you do this for a flippin living, you should be able to get in, out, and be done with it. And get this, it wasn't even a young person either..it was this older chick, saying before she did it "Oh, this will be 45 seconds, tops"...yeah whatever.

Now they're saying they think I have some type of infection.....I feel better now, I don't feel sick anymore, but they're still making me take the flippin drugs for it anyway..so when I die from having taken too many bloody pills and drugs throughout my lifetime, I'm blaming it all on the doctors who screwed with me.

Next, we had to bloody lose our water; the flippin water pump is broken..how convenient...I'm supposedly "sick-and-need-to-be-fed-these-killer-drugs-twice-a-day" and I have to sit in a house that has no running water. Perfect timing.

I have to be pissin everywhere at once, since not only am I supposed to babysit for some little kids that I really don't wanna be wasting my time on tomorrow, but right after that I have to spend the rest of my day at my cousin's house...it's her grad party. Fine, whatever, of course nothing bothers me.

Sunday I WANTED to go and get my dog....(yes, MY dog, the one I've been flippin asking for since Thanksgiving...my dad keeps putting it off, and promised me it'd be this weekend..no he's saying it prolly won't happen...) and now I'm most likely not, being put down, pushed aside to wait til later ONCE AGAIN...

To top it all off, what with the no water, no dog, wasted saturday, and pointless drugs...I won't get to see Peter this weekend...and what does he care? I brought it up, but he says he's too busy...not during the evenings, no, it's during that day, but I guess to him that means he's "completely booked". Don't you hate it when people blow you off? I do, and especially when it's someone like Peter, who never gets to see me..remember? It's all supposed to be a "secret". Sure, ok, but when I flippin get bloody depressed all the time, then he expects me to sit here, waiting until he can find a time so that no one will know he's with me, I go crazy.

Maybe it's all bad timing..maybe I just am getting screwed over....who knows what's flippin going on in my life anymore; I sure don't.

I apologize for anyone who reads this and gets offended, or pissed off, or just is confused, because you know what? I'm all of that..and people are just gonna have to deal with it...that's what I'm told I have to do...