Cute Boy

so we didn't hang out last weekend.
but we've been messaging each other every day.
and i don't know. maybe there's a
little something more.
maybe.
that'd be cool.

Current Feelings

i'm hungry.
and cold.
but happy
cuz at least
he's making an effort
to hang out with
me.
:)

Needing answers

i wish i knew what God had planned for me. that way i wouldn't beat myself up over the imperfections and let-downs of myself. that way i wouldn't stress out about what was to come. that way i could breathe again.

Wouldn't it suck

to be a bee?
they HAVE to be nice,
no violence at all
unless they wanna die.
you know...the whole
sting once
and you die-
deal.
that means you can't
start fights
or hardly even participate in them
and any anger you may have
with someone
about something
anything
you have to get rid of it somehow
but not violently.
or else you die.
your life may be
crashing down
some little betch may
be saying shit
you might be told you're
not good enough
and then later find out
you're not
and yet you must
deal with it non-violently.
without anger.
becuz then you'll die.
see, bees can't talk.
they've gotta be physical.
so they're screwed.
i'm so glad i'm not a
bee.

Ass-less chaps

just scream to show off the ass. i'm not the only one that feels that way, and in my defense, it wasn't even my idea to go out onstage without pants. of course, i had cheer shorts on, but they were rolled up, and my sherriff vest was long so it covered them. it only gave the illusion that i had nothing on. still. v. v. brill.

the play turned out to be a success. . .sort of. it was funny. last night was mostly comprised of everyone's genius improvising but hey, it made it funnier.

besides the play though, this weekend pretty much kicked my butt with all its drama. the kicker is that i was stuck in the middle, and technically, none of it should have included me. oh well. hopefully it's done now.

we find out chair seats tomorrow.............................i'm so nervous.

A path to moving on

i need to get over him. need to. and i think i pry can..

i heard from reliable sources it's over between him and syd. he told her, evidently, that nothing would happen, and it could only be just friends. this could be false, but from the person i heard it from, i'm gonna believe it.

HOWEVER i'm not taking this as a go sign. yeah, he flirts. he's always done that. he's BEEN doing that for the past 2 months now. and i can't deny that he has some sort of feelings for me. but not hardcore full-blown feelings. i guess.

he's so cute...and funny..and sweet......but i can't let any of that seemingly perfection get into my way of realizing that we're not gonna be together. and we can't.

you know, today i was sitting in choir, and she talked to me. sydney. we were joking and laughing, and it was kinda nice. who knows, maybe she ACTED that way, and secretly talks about me behind my back. but still. it was nice for a lil while to not worry about what she was saying about me.

and i dunno....it's not like i can't have any other guys. like this one dude..who i think might like me. i've had my suspicions for awhile......and he's cute, i've totally flirted with him before. funny. smart. i dunno...i'm sick of boys. they cause so much drama in my life. sad thing is, half the time i can stand boys more than i can girls and their catty ways. *sigh*

oh well...i'll just go to college, 3 hours away, and perhaps meet THE ALL-AROUND PERFECT MAN and we'll end up together and it'll be amazing. maybe.

until then...i guess i have some living to do.

Good and Bad

GOOD
-went to senior band party. much fun. troy my future husband was there ;D
-got new phone. needed one badly. it's super cute.
-slept in. woooooooo.
-ate lots of really good cake. will most likely become fat. but haven't yet.
-hung out with josh

BAD
-made a few people mad at me
-made a few people mad at me
-had to work 12 hours in 2 days..blagh
-made a few people mad at me
-hung out with josh................

yeah..that last one. haven't decided which way it leans. it's kinda both i guess. *sigh*
this weekend was....special.

Losing control

i knew
that i liked him
a lot
and i knew that
maybe it
wasn't mutual.
i knew
that i had
to move on and
get a grip on reality.
i know that
i think of him
and i
wish that picture in
my mind could
be painted.
but i know
that it won't.
i know that
perhaps i should
forget
and live again
but something
stops me and
i hate it.
it creates
a knot in my
chest so when
i swallow it tightens
and i think
of him
again.
i need to leave
for college..

Accepted

to college. me. college. me going to college. a college accepted me.

i totally have proof. OU baby.

i'm tired. of school. and people....hah. yeah. stupid boys...

but i'm goin to college. woot. party. celebration. *confetti*