Is It So Unusual

that i feel there's a story inside of my heart that's not even read?
and who should i tell it to without boring my audience?
sometimes i feel my only peace i can acheive comes from writing, which is not always true but usually. but even in my writing i may attempt to write my inner story, with all the most positive intentions, but even still i come up short and feel like the reader has only received a slight piece of the novel.
it's not quite writer's block, but i'm definately not spouting out all the right words either. so frustrating.

i can step outside and just stare into nature's eyes, escaping into her pupils and wandering through the fields and trees and creatures of her face. but apply pen to paper, or fingers to keys and my words only seem second rate to all that i want to describe.

or when i think of the way trent makes me feel. words are words, nothing close to actions, and every piece of poetry and song only, to me, barely whispers across the real and true ways i feel for him. as a supposed writer, this angers me, and many times i tell myself that perhaps i should aspire after a new dream, scrap the writing idea.

but then i write. and i know how my mind jumps at the chance to express my random spontaneous thoughts into words, and i realize this is what i need to do to keep alive.

but what of my story? will it always be untold, or have i not found the right pathway, the right moment to tell the right person? i have a feeling it's a good story....then again i may never know.

Self-frustration

it can seem slightly pathetic that i'm sitting here at home on a friday night, blogging to my grand total of 2 readers, waiting for something to happen.

i mean, even my parents are out, although i planned it for them. my mother turns 46 on sunday, and i knew she wanted my dad to take her out to dinner, so i pretty much told him to, and now they're out. which is good. they never go out together, and i find it so lovely and romantic that 2 people after over 20 years can still be affectionate, and go out on dates like they were merely 18. it gives me hope for my future.

but as of right now, all i see in my future is the possibility of me pulling the ice cream out of the freezer and getting chip-faced in front of the television.

trent is at work tonight. til 10:30 i believe, but he never actually told me he wanted to see me afterward. i would text him, but he can't have his phone at his new job, so it wouldn't be any good. and i know of a party tonight, pry already in full swing by now, but i don't wanna go alone and that brings me back to me sitting here.

so much of me wants to pick up my phone and madly text my girlfriends, and boyfriends alike, all to see what they were doing, maybe we could catch a movie, i dunno. but i don't do it. i'm worried i'm pushing people away, something i swore to myself i wouldn't do. i mean, true, i AM going 3 hours away and will hardly ever converse with the youth of SM for the rest of my life. but that doesn't mean i need to sever ties.....am i simply afraid of the hurt that would inevitably haunt me when i leave?? i'm already going to have that with trent, so i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm not pushing HIM away, rather trying to hold him closer. which is unhealthy for our relationship, i mean, he doesn't seem to mind, but still. i only see myself as ridiculous. ugh.

It's Hot

inside and out.
actually, it's really windy outside so it makes it kinda cooler but you don't really get wind inside of a house unless my dad feels like arguing about one thing or another.

why is it that i don't feel like i belong here? school let's out, finally, i mean, it's what i've waited for. all i've said was how i wanted to get out of this place, get out of school, and now i'm done and i feel out of place. this time any other year i'm getting ready for marching band, not sitting at home wishing i was somewhere else. i feel like i don't belong here and that i need to move on.

which i do. college is leaning and glancing my way, but i find myself dodging its persistant looks. i get so scared and nervous and upset that i have to leave my room and my parents and my cat and my lover, but i get so sick of being here too, and i guess i'm just royally confused and frustrated about a lot of things.

band is done. and so is dance. 2 things i've become addicted to over the many years of involvement and now i'm left without them. why do things have to change? i don't want them to but i also know it's my turn to move on.

this in-between shit sucks.