Self-frustration
it can seem slightly pathetic that i'm sitting here at home on a friday night, blogging to my grand total of 2 readers, waiting for something to happen.
i mean, even my parents are out, although i planned it for them. my mother turns 46 on sunday, and i knew she wanted my dad to take her out to dinner, so i pretty much told him to, and now they're out. which is good. they never go out together, and i find it so lovely and romantic that 2 people after over 20 years can still be affectionate, and go out on dates like they were merely 18. it gives me hope for my future.
but as of right now, all i see in my future is the possibility of me pulling the ice cream out of the freezer and getting chip-faced in front of the television.
trent is at work tonight. til 10:30 i believe, but he never actually told me he wanted to see me afterward. i would text him, but he can't have his phone at his new job, so it wouldn't be any good. and i know of a party tonight, pry already in full swing by now, but i don't wanna go alone and that brings me back to me sitting here.
so much of me wants to pick up my phone and madly text my girlfriends, and boyfriends alike, all to see what they were doing, maybe we could catch a movie, i dunno. but i don't do it. i'm worried i'm pushing people away, something i swore to myself i wouldn't do. i mean, true, i AM going 3 hours away and will hardly ever converse with the youth of SM for the rest of my life. but that doesn't mean i need to sever ties.....am i simply afraid of the hurt that would inevitably haunt me when i leave?? i'm already going to have that with trent, so i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm not pushing HIM away, rather trying to hold him closer. which is unhealthy for our relationship, i mean, he doesn't seem to mind, but still. i only see myself as ridiculous. ugh.
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