Okay....I know What to do.

Okay...this is it. After lots of thought, assurance of my decision, and pointing out of unnoticed things, I feel so much more confident, sure....and excited.

Last night I found out that Peter is definitely taking his ex to Homecoming....and it put some things into perspective for me. I mean, he would never really see me more than the number 2 girl....and that's not what I want. I want a guy who'll just like me, make me feel like a queen.....I need a guy that'll treat me good. That's what lead me to the next part of thinking.

Could Andy fill that void? I was talking to one of my friends (she's pretty good friends with Andy) and she was telling me so many things I had never taken into consideration.

She said that, the sweet-heart he is, Andy CAN NOT FLIRT....or at least not like most guys. He's got his own "Andy style..." I mean, he calls me....always eats lunch with me..makes sure he always says something and smiles when I'm around.........and somehow he makes me feel like I'm the only girl around-just the way he focuses on me.

Hm........well, anyways.............I just thought I'd say that...and I had a dream about him last night too...

It was a good dream...

Old Whispers

it's after daylight
and the earth is shutting down
the darkness is all around
i have never felt so alone..
the whisper in the wind
brings back memories of you
i shiver with the distant touch..
of the wind..

singing softly in my ear
your voice, the wind, is all i hear
though straining, gaining a place in life
it's proving so hard to erase you
from my heart...

the last glimpses
of light are ashen on my face
my feelings now delicate as lace
could i ever trust him?
i have that burning desire
to rush into all the fire
maybe rid myself of feeling
may the darkness hide me...

singing softly in my ear
your voice, the wind, is all i ever hear
though straining, gaining a place in life
it's proving so hard to erase you
to forget the certain feel
from my heart..........

The First Day's Ups...and Downs...

School started today...






Sorry, I just got kinda depressed from even writing it. So yeah, it's back...and it wasn't alllll bad...a little fun here, a little fun there...but I'm tired...lol.

I was so used to being lazy and dormant for so long it's weird that I'm doing work and being productive.

Then the bus ride....it was hell. Let's just say that when Sarah walked into her house at 4:00 she was rather pissed off. Those little kids were being so mean to me...I'm the oldest one there. I hate it.

Although the highlight of my day was when I got to go to the cross country meet today. (I went to watch Andy...) He did so well...and he was really happy to see me......=D!!!!!!

A Slight Difference

drowning in the pools inside your eyes
filled with all the cheating and the lies
you smile your crooked smile
though it doesn't change anything
at least not like it used to..

there's stirring in my heart
though not the old butterflies rejoicing
voicing the happiness of you..
no, it's distrust and dismal singing
winging about in usual circles
screaming something like
why did i ever used to love you

drowning in the pools inside your eyes
filled with all the cheating and the lies
you smile your crooked smile
though it doesn't change anything
at least not like it used to..

now you're here in my waking
taking steps closer to me
all the while thinking how to get to me
forcing me to constantly look back
and behind
wondering why you're finally making the time
for someone like me

drowning in the pools inside your eyes
filled with all the cheating and the lies
you smile your crooked smile
though it doesn't change anything
no, not like it used to......

A little thanks and A little revelation.

Ok...so I know that they didn't plan this, but tonight I had to wait on the brigde across from the school for my mom to pick me up, and I was all by myself...gathering odd glances from all who passed....and then like practically EVERYONE came over and talked with me....

Jrod, Abby, Stephanie, Megan, Michael, Amy F. , Amy S., Adam, Brandon, Ben, Jason, Andy, Rachael, Millie, Steph's friend Nate, and uh...hmm..I feel like I'm forgetting someone....oh well, there were a ton of people and without them I would've been depressed and embarrassed by the time I got home....so thanks for all of your impeccable timing...it made my evening.

Also...(watch out, I'm pulling out my religious side...) I was spoken to by God.

Yeah, so maybe I shoulda put this one first since it's prolly more important than people finding me alone on the bridge, but what the hey...

Anyways...yeah, God has spoken to me. See, my church has sold our building, and we've been without santuary for almost 3 years...we've had so much trouble with the buyers not paying rent, and things of the like that we haven't really had much time to accomplish our ultimate goal: to build a new church building.

So, in light of our lack of moving forward, our pastor had come up with the idea that we should create a "Mission Counsel"....basically, a group of people willing to attend meetings and share their feelings about our new-in-the-process church. They would be the ones in the congregation really pushing to find ground, and start getting this thing done.

Well, when I first heard about this, I thought that I'd like to be on it...this is really important to me and I wanted to be out there in front, doing something about it. Although, I'm only 15...and thinking that I would be too young, I pushed it out of my mind.

Then, all of the sudden, this afternoon our congregation was meeting about it, trying to find about 8 ppl to form this Mission Counsel...and I felt God speak to me....

Before I knew it, I was being put in with a few others, all with the church in mind....we're gonna build this church.

I know, this prolly isn't a big deal to anyone that reads this....but honestly....God spoke to me....he touched me..and I feel so moved....

I'm not sure why He wants me to be on this counsel....but I have a feeling that it's the right thing....

AND....I really like Andy.............................

I hope this is right...

Gosh...I really hope I'm going about things the right way...

I really like Andy....the more I'm around him the more I realize it, and if I could leave it at that, then there'd be no worries. Sadly, I cannot...there's just so many other things that keep popping up, I wanna scream.

I keep seeing Peter...like, all of the sudden I'm seeing him and talking to him about as much as I would if school were in session...and his presense-although welcomed-is also confusing me...messing with my mind and all of my plans. I love seeing him, but I'm almost afraid to...I don't want something like that to destory this.

Then there's the problem with one of my friends...she's really close to me and everything, we've been good friends for 3 years....but I think she has a crush on Andy too. ever since I told her he was my date and I told her about my feelings for him, she's been flirting with him like mad...every chance she get's she's saying stuff like "Oh, well, I've been doing lots of stuff with Andy lately.." "I talked to him on the phone for hours the other night" I know him better and you can't have him so back off because I'm insanely jealous"....Ok, so she didn't say that last one, but she definitely implies it. I don't wanna not be friends..I love her dearly....but when Andy was with us yesterday and tonight, it was like it was a huge competition with her...seeing who could win Andy's heart....

I'm the one with the Homecoming date, I know....but I don't wanna lose a friend in the process....

I like him...I just hope this is right...

hehe...

There's not much to say...except for....I have a date to Homecoming.....=D

Andy asked me....hehe....

Title Here

I decided not to title this blog because I simply don't know what I would put. So much has been happening and I've been so busy that I haven't been able to write it all down....how depressing.

So anyways....fair was ok. I sold my steer, placed 4th with my feeder calf, and 2nd with my creative writing project. I got to spend some time with some friends I hardly see, and overall, it was a good experience.

While at the fair, I realized that I need to get over Peter...seriously. He wasn't making time for me and with him ignoring me like he was, it seemed pointless to continue pining over him.

It was then that I started to really stand back and look at my feelings. I had been hanging around with John the whole week and all these old feelings were re-surfacing....it was weird. Then there's this other guy that I had kinda had a crush on, but I never really acted on it. Let's call him Andy. He's cute, and I think he likes me back...so I think "what the heck?!"

I've been talking to Andy a lot more recently, and so I'm starting to feel more and more attracted to him...it sounds perfect right?? I mean, I'm not depressed, not confused, I know what I want....and then he strikes.

Peter...why on earth he decides this is the time, I don't know, but he's been sending me emails, telling me he misses me, setting up times on the computer when we can chat....he's even said he's gonna come to the Lil Miss Pagent tonight to watch me dance. HELLO??!? Why??

I was fine...FINE....and Andy is sweet and caring and everything was moving right along....I like him....I know I do....I'm just afraid Peter is gonna get too close to me again and say just the right thing to mess it all up....

*Sigh*...I was getting over him.......and I was feeling goosebumps when I saw Andy's name pop up in a convo......I'm just scared because I felt those same goosebumps when I saw Peter's name too....