Card Castles

can you see me?
can you hear me hold my breath
as i wait for you to remember
what it used to be
how we used to be

i sit here thinking
begging to know the twisted truth
of this fate i have in store
does it have you anymore
do you love me anymore

just look at me
see me with your eyes
and don't disguise the feeling..
the foundations of this card castle will fall
and unveal us all
leaving us naked to our truths
is it gonna be me and you?

can you hear my voice too?
at the dead of night
whispering visions so sweet
are the dreams real?
oh why can't they be real...

could this be nothing but imagination?
some surreal circumstance in another fantasy..
no i'm living this now
i just don't know how you feel
and now baby it hurts to breathe

i wish on all shooting stars
to be in your arms tonight...
oh can we really have
what we used to be
where we used to lie
and stare up at the skies
and laugh off all the lies of society's strain...

just look at me
see me with your eyes
and don't disguise the feeling..
the foundations of this card castle will fall
and unveal us all
leaving us naked to our truths
is it gonna be me and you?
oh i want it to be me and you....

Looooonnnngg Night

So........yesterday was homecoming. And I figure I shouldn't not write about it, since it's been the topic of discussion and such a controversial point in my life lately....so yeah.

Hmmm...well, let's see..first off, I was out late friday night. I went party hopping with Abby and it was mucho fun. First Amanda's, then Beth's. Then we just came back to my house and sat around and talked to my mom...lol. And it was raining. So we were pretty much drenched to the bone...and cold. But oh well. Fun just the same.

Then we both planned to wake up a like 10 the next morning to go to each other's hair appointments. So she came and picked me up at like....11, then we went to JCPenney to get her hair done (it was gorgeous), then we went to Micky D's and got some food, then I went to get my hair done. (I think it looked ok...I had a huge ass flower in it.) After that, Abby and I split, her going home, and me and my mom runnin errands, like picking up the flowers for Ben and my brother's date "Vito" (her nickname). We also went to Kroger and Kmart.

Then I came home, did my nails, makeup, got dressed, and Natalie came over to see me and took pictures of me and Tom.....which were pretty crazy, I have to admit. One of them made me laugh out loud...good times. Then Ben showed up. (I have to make a side note on how we were dressed......my dress was silver. Like, a grayish bluish silver. and I wore red jewelery...and a red flower in my hair. And I put an OSU tattoo on my shoulder....he wore black pants, a gray shirt and an OSU tie....can you guess the theme? haha...) We went through a round of pictures, then another round because the first one didn't turn out, then another one because THOSE didn't turn out. Then we left to go to his house where he was having people over.

And there were a ton of people. I'd say about 15-16 people. And we watched the end of the OSU game, ate lots of food..took a boat load of these jacked up pictures, and made fools of ourselves. We did however make it to the dance - quite an accomplishment.

The theme for this year's homecoming was 50's...which I guess might've sounded like a neato mosquito idea at the time, but in all honesty, it was kinda...Idk...not as good as some other themes. I don't wanna make anyone mad about that, I just didn't particularly like the theme.

I took a lot of pictures. I had only been there for maybe 15 minutes when I looked down and realized I only had 1 picture left on my camera....lol. Then everyone started dancing, which was harder than it seemed at first because (due to the theme) they played all these 50's songs that not many people knew, or we weren't sure how to dance to. It did get better though, and dance we did. Although that seemed like a feat too, it was so hot in there, I went to get water like 3 times. But it was cool. It was my first dance with my brother there, and I got a cute picture of us...and like half my friends came up to me during the night and were all "omg, I just danced with your brother..." yeah.....it was interesting.

Then afterwards, Ben took me home to change, then he went home to change, and we went out to Cornmeal's house.

(By the way.....I was soooooo mucho excited about the "after-te-dance" stuff, because my mom definitely didn't give me a curfew. Can you believe it? My mom, miss I'm-never-allowed-to-do-anything let me stay out as late as I needed.........or well, she told me I had to go to church in the morning, hinting that I should at least be home by 6....so yeah. I was pumped.)

We hung at Cornmeal's for awhile, but then Ben went home (he was really tired) and I stayed there until about 4:30...then a bunch of us went to Waffle House...and ate waffles...."I'm an animal!!!!" haha. It was about 5:30, and we didn't really want to go home and sleep, so I brought everyone (aka like 7 people...yeah not much) back to my house and we sat in my trailer for about an hour. Everyone was gone by about 6:30, and then I didn't even go to bed until about 7:30.....but you know what the craziest thing is??!?

I woke up at 8:20. Yeah....for church. I HAD LESS THAN AN HOUR OF SLEEP. But I was okay.....I just came home and slept for awhile...lol. And I got my pictures developed. So it's all good.

My mom asked me what I thought about homecoming this morning on the way to church, as she was trying to keep me awake. With all the stuff that's been going on with me lately, I really was kinda nervous as to how homecoming was going to turn out. And you know, I'm not really sure what I think of it. At first, I was really happy and having fun.....then there was a spot in the middle where I was crying in the girls' bathroom, and I yelled at Amanda Moeller because she wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong...then I got a lil better towards the end, got a lil depressed at first at Cornmeal's, but then Ben left and I was just fine.....lol. After that, I had a great time.

Best or worst homecoming? I'll say the same thing I ended up telling my mom: It coulda been a lot worse, but it coulda been a lot better. End of story...

Instead of Sleeping..

It's late. Or actually getting to be early.....but I can't sleep.

Whenever I close my eyes, I see him..and I become distracted again.

I cried today...right when I got home. And now, not even being able to rest without his image in my mind's eye, I can feel the tears coming again. Maybe I'll just cry myself to sleep...it's something I've become used to....

Far Away, Nickelback

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know,
you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

I wish...

Tonite was fun....I haven't really had people over in ages. A hay ride, bonfire, lots of smoke, food, and jokes all around......I really enjoyed myself, and I think everyone else did too.

I was just thinking a lot tonite though....about Andy......I miss him. I know people don't think I can or do, becuz of what happened last weekend, and in all honesty, yeah, it happened, nothing I can deny, but I can also say that it didn't mean anything to me, and that I still care and love Andy so much.....but see, at this point, I don't know if anything could ever happen between us again. I want it, omg do I want it, but after me turning him down for the dance, then that kiss between me and, um, well, let's call him Ben, I don't think Andy will ever forgive me, or want to trust me. I'm prolly one of those black-marks in his life that he wants to move away from....idk, I'm just speculating. After what other people have told me, in person, through gossip, and even hate emails, I can only imagine what's going through his head.

I guess I just wanted to put into words how much I miss him...how much I care......how I desperately want him back, and even though I haven't given up, I think he already has....I know this hurts him, this whole situation, and that in itself hurts to know that I've screwed up.

...He always says how I never say sorry, or take the blame. But if by some chance he's reading this, if maybe he sees this blog, then Andy, this is for you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've screwed up our relationship. I'm sorry you can't trust me. I'm sorry for those nights where I left you hanging after confusing and upsetting phone calls. I'm sorry for the worry and the grief. I'm sorry for the guilt-trips, and the complaining. I'm sorry for turning you down to Homecoming, because at the time, it seemed what needed to be done. I'm sorry for then hurting you in saying I'd go with Ben. I continue to be sorry for kissing him.......and whether you believe me or not, it meant nothing, I'm not proud of it, and I wish it didn't happen. I miss you. I care. I want you back, and yet I know I can't.

I wish that I could do things differently....I wish I could make you see. And I wish I could find sleep, and stop tossing and turning, dreaming that you're there, and then awaking to find I was wrong....

i just hate it

i hate how i do stupid things. i mean, yeah, everyone makes mistakes, has their "oops" moments, but me? i tend to go for the all-out, omigosh-i-can't-believe-that stuff. i hate how i rush to conclusions and make assumptions that normally are false. i hate how all i seem to be doing is push the one i really care about away, losing trust and friendship in the process. i hate how i never seem to do things right......

I am From

I am from the long sleepy hours
Of a car ride across country
Making exodus away from my birthplace
To mature in a simple town.

I am from that threadbare blanket I had tucked under one arm
Sea foam green and worn with use
As a pretend dress, magic carpet,
And a tent in a far off jungle.

I am from the back room at Grandma’s
Where the wooden floors creak and moan
As my cousins and I escaped the walls
To transform into animals, princesses and pirates.

I am from the stage –
Makeup, hairspray, and costumes with glittering sequins.
From big smiles and pointed toes
From the inevitable applause at the drop of the curtain.

I am from Chance, a child’s best friend,
Who when living showed what loyalty meant,
In death taught grieving and indescribable love.

I am from the scent of a burning wood
At campfires in the mountains and desert,
From soggy nights in a tent during a rainstorm with wrath
From hikes to glimpse hidden waterfalls and to
Overhear the whispers of some of Earth’s secrets.

I am from music
From performances onstage, mournful tunes and striking ballads
From loud shows on the football filed
With the suspenders and pants that always come up too high.

I am from homemade ice cream that
Slides right down my eager throat
From watermelon rinds
From those spontaneous cook outs that are always worthwhile.

I am from old barns and dusty straw
From the sweat and satisfaction of hard work.
I am from the wheat fields that roll on in endless ripples
From the barricade of tall corn towers that rustle with a breeze,
Hiding the country house from view.

I am from being proved wrong
From learning because of mistakes.
I am from knowing that moving forward is always better than back
From hoping for the best
From giving it my all.
I am from all these things.

Find Me a Map

Evidently, I need to find myself.

Or maybe just find the person that everyone seems to be seeing when they look at me.

....That's unfair. Not everyone. But quite a few people.

I need to find the person that finds cruel pleasure out of hurting someone. I need to find the person that acts with unpure intentions and flits about carelessly. I need to find the person that people look at and whisper "Why should I feel sorry for her...she's such a slut." I need to find the girl that doesn't care, that has no feelings, and that soooo doesn't know who's talking about her and what they're saying. Because that girl's not me.

Maybe I'm not looking in the mirror the right way...maybe I'm turning a blind eye on my own self. But I highly doubt it. I know that I don't need other people's preaching to help me figure out what's right. I know who I am, and what I need.

So maybe I don't need to find myself. Or that girl people are mistaking me for. Right now, I need to find my path, the one I need to take, and the right people to help me along the way.

Crawling in the Dark, by Hoobastank

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a seconds worth
Of how my storys ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make wont end up all for nothing
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
So when and how will I know?
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking and I just cant see what's in front of me
In front of me
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Send in the Clowns, from A little Night Music

Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again with my usual flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.

Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don't bother, they're here.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer,
Losing my timing this late
In my career?
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Well, maybe next year.

Jealousy is a Two-fold

What I have Come to Realize :

Jealousy is a two-fold.
Innocence is something EVERYONE loses at the age of 2.
Even though you can have so many things you want to/need to say, there are times when words aren't good enough - when you're feelings are so overwhelming that the flow of neurons to your brain from your voicebox is cut off, and you are left dwelling inside your mind with thoughts of what you would've said floating around.
Orange is not my color.
Sometimes it's okay to cry.
No matter how hard it may seem, your heart can break, and no matter how easy it may seem, you can't expect it to mend in a few weeks.
It doesn't matter how old you are, or what circumstances, you can love someone with a love that could move mountains, and they may not even know who you really are.
It's not important what other people tell you, it's how you decide what to do with your life that makes the decisions.
All you can do is try your hardest. If that's not good enough, you have to accept you gave it your all.

And never...NEVER give up. If you believe in it, then never lose faith.