I wish...

Tonite was fun....I haven't really had people over in ages. A hay ride, bonfire, lots of smoke, food, and jokes all around......I really enjoyed myself, and I think everyone else did too.

I was just thinking a lot tonite though....about Andy......I miss him. I know people don't think I can or do, becuz of what happened last weekend, and in all honesty, yeah, it happened, nothing I can deny, but I can also say that it didn't mean anything to me, and that I still care and love Andy so much.....but see, at this point, I don't know if anything could ever happen between us again. I want it, omg do I want it, but after me turning him down for the dance, then that kiss between me and, um, well, let's call him Ben, I don't think Andy will ever forgive me, or want to trust me. I'm prolly one of those black-marks in his life that he wants to move away from....idk, I'm just speculating. After what other people have told me, in person, through gossip, and even hate emails, I can only imagine what's going through his head.

I guess I just wanted to put into words how much I miss him...how much I care......how I desperately want him back, and even though I haven't given up, I think he already has....I know this hurts him, this whole situation, and that in itself hurts to know that I've screwed up.

...He always says how I never say sorry, or take the blame. But if by some chance he's reading this, if maybe he sees this blog, then Andy, this is for you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've screwed up our relationship. I'm sorry you can't trust me. I'm sorry for those nights where I left you hanging after confusing and upsetting phone calls. I'm sorry for the worry and the grief. I'm sorry for the guilt-trips, and the complaining. I'm sorry for turning you down to Homecoming, because at the time, it seemed what needed to be done. I'm sorry for then hurting you in saying I'd go with Ben. I continue to be sorry for kissing him.......and whether you believe me or not, it meant nothing, I'm not proud of it, and I wish it didn't happen. I miss you. I care. I want you back, and yet I know I can't.

I wish that I could do things differently....I wish I could make you see. And I wish I could find sleep, and stop tossing and turning, dreaming that you're there, and then awaking to find I was wrong....