For Maria

I saw you tonight.
I'm glad we caught up on things we *haven't* blogged about...and the things we have.

And yes, the boy.
He's funny.
He's cute.
He's sweet when he wants to be. I'm glad I got props.

But really, you aren't the first person to have told me that....at least the last part.

And I know.....there are so many guys that could treat me better, that could give me what I want.
But you know me, I have a real problem with turning away....

I love you too!! muah.

Emotions Undecided..

So it's over. Or did it really ever begin?

Scottey's out. My choice? His choice? He initiated it, but in all honesty, I had been planning on confronting him about what I really wanted - and needed - anyway. I still care...actually I care a lot. This isn't 100% what I wanted. BUT....well, it's, I guess, 100% what he wants and there's nothing I can do stop change that. But how am I feeling?

Upset, pissed off, and actually a little bit relieved. Because really, there's someone in my life that I care a lot about - besides Scottey. Someone who has been my best friend, my buddy, my go-to boy, my friend til the end, and honestly, the past 2 months we haven't been on speaking terms because of the whole "Scottey" issue. And now...maybe......we'll be able to talk again.

Yes.....I am upset. I put my heart and soul into making things better for us....I really did do everything I could. But whatever....I suppose it'll just be his loss!!! ;D


(Can you tell?! I'm already starting to get to being my old self again...cocky, flirty, and ready for action! Some people just don't know what they're missing.....hahahaha!!!)

A short summary

today has been interesting.....yes, i suppose interesting should suffice as the proper word to describe it.

a holiday, no doubt....no school, sleeping in, how could anything go wrong? and honestly, today nothing really did go wrong. actually, now that i think about it, today was a pretty good day for me.

i slept in a little, went to see the eye doctor, only to find out that my eyes are - indeed - worse. but hey, nothing i didn't already know...haha. i then went to family video and picked up the film rocky (one), due to my latest fascination with the series. ( i saw the movie rocky balboa in theaters recently and LOVED it....i figured that seeing the others would be a good idea.) i invited scottey over when i got home, and we ate lunch and watched the movie together.

let me say this: it was nice. nice to have him be here..finally. nice to hang out with him in my own natural state, nice to have him welcomed by my parents. i knew that this time would come, i'm just overly glad that it's here.

then i went to jazz band that, even though having to go in to school on a day off just to play a few tunes, was okay. i enjoyed myself, and i love music, so it was fun. then this evening my family and i went to my grandma's house for some venison steak. ( for those of you reading that don't already know, my mom got in an accident about 2 weeks ago...a deer hit her **yes the deer hit her..not the other way around** and now we have a lot of meat..lol.) coming home, my mom and i watched a little of the golden globe awards (shut up, it's one of the only things we can do together without fighting these days.)

i think, though, one of the most intriguing moments of my day was just earlier, when i spoke to an old friend. maybe old friend isn't the right term, but really, it serves its purpose. we talked like normal, everyday friends would, and i felt so comfortable just visiting with him i was almost surprised, seeing as how this is someone i really honestly haven't talked to in some time...

but then, right at the end of our conversation, he sent me this message in our online conversation:


i honestly hope u get things figured out w/ scottey...i'm not being sarcastic


after he said that i just sat there....half in disbelief that he brought the subject up, half in shock that he didn't say anything else about the situation. my reply?


i hope i do too....


i guess i've got a lot to think about after today. good things. things to come. things that i could only wish for....

An Overall Review

Soooooooo.........the start of a new year. Exciting to some. Depressing to few. New chances for everyone.

I've been so busy lately, partly because of the semester ending and having a shitload of homework and exams - it seems - everyday. Junior year is the hardest so far.....officially. Or at least for me. Too much stress. But then again, I guess I put a lot of it upon myself.

I guess when I think about last year though, stressful is the only word to describe it. It started off good, with someone I loved, and things were going great. I was successful and happy. But after awhile, the people closest to me started rumors, taking things out of context, putting words in my mouth and pushed me away. I was shunned by my friends, questioned by my lover, and whispered about by all who knew me. Soon I found myself putting away part of me, unknowing to the fact that I wasn't myself, I wasn't as happy as I was. I lost my spunk, my luster, my chipper attitude and I became pessimistic, paranoid, distressed and desperate. I felt like I was always letting people down, and I constantly felt like I was falling short in everything I did. That carried on through the summer, losing friends, gaining new, but still trying to hide myself. At the time it seemed right, because hey: I was with someone I loved and that's all that mattered. But as school started again, I began to realize how much of myself I had been jeopardizing, how much of my personality and my own being I was compromising by trying my hardest to please one person. It became clear that what I needed to do was what was right for myself; and waiting around for broken trust was not healthy for me, emotionally, mentally, even physically.

So what did I do? I told him no. I actually did one of the bitchiest things I could ever do and ditched him just before homecoming. Wrong? In some ways. But really, it needed to be done. Since then I've kinda dated around. A boy by the name of Jason and I had a small fling....not much. We made out a couple times, danced whorishly at homecoming, he was actually my date, but that was all. I even revisited a couple of my old beaus for short periods of time....nothing illegal, just me testing the waters I suppose. Then I met this guy, who at first I thought could only remain as a friend, although I was quick to be proven otherwise. We dated, went out, and things weren't too smooth. Lots of people told me to ditch him, forget about him, move on. I would, but then I would always go back..and in between all the drama, I managed to balance a job, being in a musical (although shitty as hell) schoolwork, and band. I started to have tussels with The parents, finally fulfilling the misunderstood-teenager role.

Now my days are cluttered with Solo n Ensemble practice, Honors' Band practice, a Band retreat at BGSU coming up, dance, work, family time, losing my car (and maybe my licsense soon......yeah, I don't even wanna talk about it..) and gaining new friendships.

It's the new year. 2007. And already I have been challenged with tough choices and decisions that could affect my whole life. Right now I'm in the middle of a huge one: deciding what's right for me.

.....Because so many people say I shouldn't give second chances, and I shouldn't even consider him. And even though it's what I say I want, I keep finding myself being hurt and distressed over him and the way he "dates around". He says he wants fun.....and I can understand...believe me. Talking to the girl who ditched her boyfriend of a year because she realized she needed to be true to herself, and ended up messing around and having fun. But I'm putting out effort, this is what I want. Today I gave him an ultimatum - pretty much telling him it's me and only me, or no me at all. And it was hard to say, because I knew it made him mad and uncomfortable, and honestly, I really do like him a lllloooott......and he said he doesn't know if he's ready to commit completely.

But you know.....for all those that know me, fewer that are friends, and fewer still that have dated me : I am a very fun person. Crazy personality, contagious smile, laughter that spreads like wildfire, and lively as hell. I can be funny, I can be serious, I can be spontaneous and rebellious. I'm a handfull.... ;D. I won't lie. But I'm true, and sincere...he could make me happy...and I think I could make him happy too.

And that's where I am. At the start of a brand new year, hopefull and fresh, taking on new challenges in all aspects of my life, putting myself out there, standing on the edge, wondering if he, or anyone else, is going to push me, or catch me. Either way, I'm here til the end.

It's kinda like a good suspense movie : I wanna know how it ends, but I don't want it to skip anything good. I guess that's the way life is though- waiting for something to come. Good or bad, it's gonna come at you, the question is though, are you ready?

So happy new year everyone. Goodbye to all the times when I couldn't find myself....I'm glad I at least know what I want these days. As for everything there is to be? I'm optimistic...I guess we'll just wait and see..