An Overall Review

Soooooooo.........the start of a new year. Exciting to some. Depressing to few. New chances for everyone.

I've been so busy lately, partly because of the semester ending and having a shitload of homework and exams - it seems - everyday. Junior year is the hardest so far.....officially. Or at least for me. Too much stress. But then again, I guess I put a lot of it upon myself.

I guess when I think about last year though, stressful is the only word to describe it. It started off good, with someone I loved, and things were going great. I was successful and happy. But after awhile, the people closest to me started rumors, taking things out of context, putting words in my mouth and pushed me away. I was shunned by my friends, questioned by my lover, and whispered about by all who knew me. Soon I found myself putting away part of me, unknowing to the fact that I wasn't myself, I wasn't as happy as I was. I lost my spunk, my luster, my chipper attitude and I became pessimistic, paranoid, distressed and desperate. I felt like I was always letting people down, and I constantly felt like I was falling short in everything I did. That carried on through the summer, losing friends, gaining new, but still trying to hide myself. At the time it seemed right, because hey: I was with someone I loved and that's all that mattered. But as school started again, I began to realize how much of myself I had been jeopardizing, how much of my personality and my own being I was compromising by trying my hardest to please one person. It became clear that what I needed to do was what was right for myself; and waiting around for broken trust was not healthy for me, emotionally, mentally, even physically.

So what did I do? I told him no. I actually did one of the bitchiest things I could ever do and ditched him just before homecoming. Wrong? In some ways. But really, it needed to be done. Since then I've kinda dated around. A boy by the name of Jason and I had a small fling....not much. We made out a couple times, danced whorishly at homecoming, he was actually my date, but that was all. I even revisited a couple of my old beaus for short periods of time....nothing illegal, just me testing the waters I suppose. Then I met this guy, who at first I thought could only remain as a friend, although I was quick to be proven otherwise. We dated, went out, and things weren't too smooth. Lots of people told me to ditch him, forget about him, move on. I would, but then I would always go back..and in between all the drama, I managed to balance a job, being in a musical (although shitty as hell) schoolwork, and band. I started to have tussels with The parents, finally fulfilling the misunderstood-teenager role.

Now my days are cluttered with Solo n Ensemble practice, Honors' Band practice, a Band retreat at BGSU coming up, dance, work, family time, losing my car (and maybe my licsense soon......yeah, I don't even wanna talk about it..) and gaining new friendships.

It's the new year. 2007. And already I have been challenged with tough choices and decisions that could affect my whole life. Right now I'm in the middle of a huge one: deciding what's right for me.

.....Because so many people say I shouldn't give second chances, and I shouldn't even consider him. And even though it's what I say I want, I keep finding myself being hurt and distressed over him and the way he "dates around". He says he wants fun.....and I can understand...believe me. Talking to the girl who ditched her boyfriend of a year because she realized she needed to be true to herself, and ended up messing around and having fun. But I'm putting out effort, this is what I want. Today I gave him an ultimatum - pretty much telling him it's me and only me, or no me at all. And it was hard to say, because I knew it made him mad and uncomfortable, and honestly, I really do like him a lllloooott......and he said he doesn't know if he's ready to commit completely.

But you know.....for all those that know me, fewer that are friends, and fewer still that have dated me : I am a very fun person. Crazy personality, contagious smile, laughter that spreads like wildfire, and lively as hell. I can be funny, I can be serious, I can be spontaneous and rebellious. I'm a handfull.... ;D. I won't lie. But I'm true, and sincere...he could make me happy...and I think I could make him happy too.

And that's where I am. At the start of a brand new year, hopefull and fresh, taking on new challenges in all aspects of my life, putting myself out there, standing on the edge, wondering if he, or anyone else, is going to push me, or catch me. Either way, I'm here til the end.

It's kinda like a good suspense movie : I wanna know how it ends, but I don't want it to skip anything good. I guess that's the way life is though- waiting for something to come. Good or bad, it's gonna come at you, the question is though, are you ready?

So happy new year everyone. Goodbye to all the times when I couldn't find myself....I'm glad I at least know what I want these days. As for everything there is to be? I'm optimistic...I guess we'll just wait and see..