Avoiding Girlfights

i've heard the way that you talk
all about me
behind my back
and i know the way you hate me
though you say you don't
i don't believe that
because i also know
how's you're messing with my heart
indirectly....
how am i supposed to feel?

cuz i don't wanna give this up
or let it go
i've waited so long
and i don't wanna start a fight
or just get hurt
then let it show..
you may be angry with me
but i'm doing this for myself.

i've seen the way you
flirt
hah yeah...
the way you shove it in my face.
but according to all my sources
you're not the one he's got eyes for.
and i don't want it to be like this
but you're the one
making heartache out of air...

cuz i don't wanna give this up
or let it go
i've waited so long
and i don't wanna start a fight
or just get hurt
then let it show..
you may be angry with me
but i'm doing this for myself.

i'm not the kind
to realign things
just to torture.
i know to you
i seem to do this
all to piss you off.
but listen there's nothing to say....
except i'm not into revenge anyway

cuz i don't wanna give this up
or let it go
i've waited so long
and i don't wanna start a fight
or just get hurt
then let it show...
i know you're angry with me
i'm always told you're angry with me
come over here, let me know you're angry with me
but you gotta know..
i'm doing this for myself.

Guidance?

i wish i could say that i'm always happy and that i'm such an optimistic person. which i kind of am...only not for myself but others. mostly i take what's given to me, and i run with it. and why not?? God puts us on this earth to LIVE, so why would i want to sit around and waste my time, puttering around thoughts and dreams that MAYBE they MIGHT not come true. so that's what i strive for. my dreams. my goals. my wishes. my desires. although sometimes, on this journey towards my ultimate-ness, i get kind of discouraged.

by the dumbest things.

take for example my school work. i've always done quite good, i'm at the top of my class, and every year my rank goes higher and higher. and i'm proud. because i know my efforts from all my life at school are paying off, and will *hopefully* end up paying for college. lately i've been getting really good grades and i've been staying ontop of my work. but every once in a while i get this little feeling that maybe i'm slipping, slacking, slouching academically, and it scares me.

of course i don't wanna become one of those teenagers that sits at home with her notes and her textbooks, studying instead of being with friends, just to achieve that little + sign after the letter grade. i'm not even dropping my grades. but i psyche myself out by making me believe that i'm gonna start to slack. i know...i'm weird.

or like with my friends. one day i can be sitting with them happy as can be with a smile on my face and a laugh on my lips. but sometimes i feel like i'm second best, even to those i deemed trustworthy. sure they'll listen to me rant, rave, cry and curse....only when no one better is around to talk to. it's a sick weird feeling and yet it comes with each day, at different times from different people. and i hate it.

then there's this magical boy who's turned my world upside down. i've honestly waited around for him for 3 MONTHS. i mean come on...who does that honestly. and i don't know what it is about him, but the more we talk, the more we realize how much alike we really are. same beliefs, same dislikes, same preferences when it comes between chocolate and vanilla - it's mind-boggling to actually know how many times we finish each others' sentences. but sometimes i get this feeling like i'm doing something wrong.......do i deserve him?? his friends tell me he likes me a lot, and i believe them for about 2 days, but then what? i revert back to my shy, confused way of not really knowing what it means when he looks at me that way.

saturday was amazing. i can't deny that no matter which way i look at it. but is it something he felt strongly about too??? i'd like to think so..

i think i have self-confidence issues.....argggh. i need counselled.

Nothing to compare

little fireworks.
huge flowers blooming.
loud bursts of happy
exciting
pulsing music.
neon lights.
the feeling right after
you get an A+.
baby kittens.
meteor showers.
driving fast.
being onstage.
flying.
bubble baths.
fresh cut grass.
cookies!
funny jokes.
climbing tall trees.

nothing happy
thrilling
or beautiful
can compare to when
you look at me that way
and slowly smile
like there's a secret
we're both in on
that no one
will ever know.

Tonight

was our date.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
first of all
i had a shitty day at work. like it sucked. i've never had a customer make me cry...until today. it was that bad. no joke. and i was there for 6 hours.....so that wasn't too awesome either.
BUT at five, i left work, and went to go get josh. and i actually found his house. and he got in and looked amazing, and we went to my house so that i could change into not-work-clothes.

then we left for lima. and it was great becuz there were NO awkward silences.....we just kept talking. which like i said was great. and then we went to the mall, and he got a tie that we both agreed on (although he could've gotten a lime green and orange tie and i wouldn't have cared becuz WE'RE GOING TOGETHER AND IT'S AMAZING).

after that we decided we should eat becuz neither one of us had eaten all day.....so we went to bandidos (becuz josh really likes how there's stairs all over the place.)

we realized that going to lima tonite might not have been very smart, considering that there were quite a few homecoming thingys tonite.........and it was SUPER busy. but in the end we ate there. and it was good. everything went really well.

and then.......we went to my grandma's house. heh....yeah.

it was my aunt's bday yesterday and so the family decided to celebrate tonite...and i was like "so um josh........i have this family thing, and they want me to go, and you totally don't have to...i can drop you off at home......or you can come with. it's really up to you. "

it turned out....he said he'd come. so we went to grandma's house. and visited with my family. and my cousin kinda scared him a little bit i think...but really, to me, it went well. or he just covers up awkward-uncomfortableness really well. but yeah..

then we came back to my house for about 30 minutes...and then i took him home. and it was like....perfect.

like, we were sitting at my grandma's house on the couch. and he did that thing that guys do...when they nudge you becuz they wanna touch you but not like in an obvious way. and he was just really flirty but really sweet. and i like him soooooooooo much.

tonite was just perfect.
ahhhhh first date.
i wish we could do it again tomorrow hahahahaha

Hump day review

i just got home from dance
a lil while ago.
i'm still sitting here actually
in my dance clothes
tights
hair pulled back
sports bra shoving my boobs in place.
i'm watching MASH
because i love that show.
and i'm thinking about my homework...
and the fact that i'm starving.
but i'm too busy being lazy
sitting on a comfy cushion
texting josh
with a sleepy
but goofy
little grin on my face.
i might get up.
but i dunno if i can.....
i'm really tired haha....
then again, america's next top model
is coming on soon.
and i gotta watch it.
cuz it's new.
soooooo i may just sit here.
and watch it
while i'm "doing my homework".
haha....oh boy, i need a life..

My thoughts

marching band
the idea of a guitar
harmonicas
converse sneakers
soccer
laughter
hide and seek
CSI

reminds me of him.
...along with about a bajillion other things.
those are the main ones.

I work

a lot.
actually, i really don't.
but it feels like it.
since i work almost every saturday
and sunday
and sometimes monday nights.
i guess that isn't so bad.
but not only that
but i work at school.
i work my butt off
with homework
and tests
and random grades here and there
and i work on friendships every day.
i work on being better
nicer
kinder
more considerate
i work on seeing
him
as much as possible.
i work a lot.
*sigh*

and mostly, i don't mind it at all.

Superman

doesn't exist.
i know that.
i've known that.
and yet i also know that
good things
great things
AMAZING things
can happen
without his actual presense.
like when josh texted me earlier
asking
so are you gonna go on a date with me saturday night?


duh.
of course i'll go with you.
heck
he could ask me to go get lost in a desert
and i'd do it
if he was there.
sooooooooooo yeah
we're going on a date!!!!
eeeeeeeeeeek!!
omg i don't know what to wear........

Sporadic moments

so there you go
battin those
dark brown
chocolate
hot fudge sundae eyes at me
and i don't know
what i'm supposed to do
how i'm supposed to say that
i like you.
i'm only one person
and superman doesn't live around here
with his awesome powers
and influential mind
and smooth talk.
i can't just walk
up to you
out of the blue
twirling my hair
like the picture perfect
high school sweetheart
complete with bubble gum
and blonde pigtails
and tell you that maybe
we should go get a soda
or something
then giggle and be
cute.
becuz i try to be
cute
and i come off
weird.
and i'm not blonde
anyhow.
it doesn't help you're so
difficult to approach.
my words falter
and trip over my lips as
i speak them
and in the end -
i'm still the fool
with the failed phrases
dripping from my mouth
like the last few french fries
left in the box
that no one eats
and leaves to linger.
i keep hoping that you'll just
beat me to it
and that you might feel the same
so that i don't have to embarrass myself
and force the breaking
of my own heart.
but you never know
what could happen.
superman could magically appear.
i could go blonde.
my words just may come out right.
and all in the world would be
simply amazing.

It's so beautiful

when the boy smiles.
and i've been thinking a lot about him lately.
like....i think about him a lot anyhow.
but lately, it's been more so.
questions run through my head
like why me?
and could he really like me
or when are we going shopping-
for his homecoming clothes of course-
since he did say he "needed me there".
was he looking at me
did i just sound stupid or cute
and when he said
"i would never hurt u
promise"
did he mean it?
and what about homecoming anyway?
it's romantic!
what if this'll be like in the movies
when he kisses the girl
during the slow song
with the guitar ballad.
will he think i'm a good dancer
will he like my dress
is he faking his enthusiasm about that nite
or is it really real?
gah!!
all these thoughts
and i totally don't mind.
becuz i like him....and we're going
to the dance
together.

I have

this nagging.
this little feeling scratching
from the inside.
it's restless.
but about what i do not know.
maybe it's those tests
that i'm not prepared for-
i never seem to be.
senior year is harder than i thought
already.
maybe it's that busy schedule
that i review every night
in my head
to myself.
it could be the distress i've felt
for someone close..
whose current state is worse than i knew
and i know not how to help.
it might be my car
that never seems to run properly...
it's a strain.
then again it could be that boy
who i for so long waited for
and now i have that date
to the dance
but the hint of something more?
i wish i could tell.
maybe it's this cold
that i can't seem to shake
and restricts my nasal breathing..
all of these.
any of these.
i'm not unhappy.
i can't be.. i'm thrilled with what happened
this weekend.
i'm just feeling
half-way down
and am not sure why.

Important People

there are are many important ppl in my life. i was thinking about this earlier when i was just sitting there at work, bored out of my mind.

God. he is first and foremost to me. he's been there with me, holding my hand when i need help, and leading me in the right direction when i'm mislead. i know that i don't always acknowledge Him like i should....i don't always time the time to think of Him. Thank Him. but He is my life. without Him, i would be nothing.

my parents. they piss me off so much......not even kidding. but i love them so much. my mom always knows when i'm upset. granted, sometimes she doesn't always listen to me when i go on my angry rants about life, but she knows. and she takes care of me when i'm sick. and she takes me shopping - not often - but she does. =D then my dad of course.....well, i honestly don't see him all that often. he's a busy guy, i know that, and i'm used to it. but when we do sit down and talk, if it's not about grades or college, we're great. i love watching football with him. he's my OSU bud. haha..

mia. i trust her with sooo much and i can always rely on her to understand guy stuff, listen to my worries and not criticize me, and of course, but silly with me without wondering what other ppl will think. we lost touch for awhile these past 2 yrs.....but we've regained lost time over the summer and we're closer than ever. i love her.

emily. she's frickin hilarious and i don't know what my school day would be without her. pry boring and not as fun. she brings odd humor into my life. and of course supports me, willing to kick anyone's ass that hurts me.

brandon. he's been around for awhile. and still manages to disappoint me with a lot of stupid stuff. and can make me angry almost as fast as my brother. but i trust him with my life, and i tell him everything, and i don't think i could've made it through hs without him there telling me to suck it up. hahaha

josh. i've liked him for awhile now, and we talk all the time. i don't know what will happen between us, but he just makes me happy. he always seems eager to listen to whatever i have to say, laughs at all my half-funny jokes, and if i'm lucky, he might like me back. he's so cute, and truly cares about ppl, and i simply admire him for being him. hehe

there are so many other ppl....amanda, zac, taylor, marissa, abby, ashley.......my cat.

i know, this blog is kinda random, but sitting in church today, i realized just how lucky i am to have so many ppl that i care about and care about me. sometimes i feel like i have no one in the world, but hopefully i'll just be able to look at this, and know....there are ppl. they do care.

and i do....i love them all.

Yesterday

was pretty much amazing.

i woke up, first of all, feeling like shit. i managed to get a cold from my lovely family in missouri, and spent the evening battles with sneezes and not being able to breathe - and in turn, not being able to sleep. my throat was swollen, my nose was stuffy, my head felt like it might actually fall off, and yet i got up, got moving, and miraculously made it through the day. (it helped that it was a friday haha)

later on, at the school before we left for the game, it started to rain, and i got soaked. and i don't particularly like getting wet. sooooo...that sucked i guess. but we got to the game, and played our instruments, and marched our little butts out onto the field and had a good time. and got a date for homecoming.

wait...what?? yes..that's what i said. GOT A DATE TO HOMECOMING.
evidently, he was gonna ask me on the 50 yd. line in the middle of the halftime show if i'd go with him...but didn't get the chance. instead, i asked him. =D

"so we need to go to homecoming..." that's not pushy, is it? even if it is, we talked, and giggled, and smiled and flirted, and by the end of the 3rd quarter, we had made definite plans to go together.

to top off the night, st. marys won the game in the last few seconds, PASSING the ball into the endzone for a touchdown to win the game. and we were ECSTATIC. so it was sweet.

and he texted me all night, and this morning, and we just might possibly hang out tonite.

oh!!!! he just texted me again....
tee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

Weird

i'm so freakin happy right now
it's almost scary
cuz i'm kinda tired
*ergo slap-happy*
and i think i'm starting to get sick
*chills, swollen throat, congestion*
but i'm just happy.
and i can't WAIT til tomorrow
eeeeeek!

And

would he say yes?

We text

all the time.
most of the time -
he starts it.
silly little conversations..
right now we're playing the question game
lol....
he sends
i smile
we end up lost in ourselves until
we realize what time it is
then shrugging it off,
not caring how late the time.
i wanna ask him to homecoming
but how?

As of now, I'm

sitting here
at my grandparents' house
in missouri.
i'm pry the happiest
and most excited
i've been in AGES.
why?
well for one, i had never flown before
and we flew out here
and it was v. v. exciting.
for two
i'm here with family
and not just family from missouri
but my family from michigan was here too.
and we haven't had all of us together
since i can't remember.
and it's been the perfect weekend with them all here.
but really
the reason why i can't stop smiling
and giggling
and being all.....
happy
is him.
and how he texted me for like 2 hours yesterday
flirting through little messages
and giving me little hints
that he likes me back
and....i'm just happy.
we're fliying back tonite, so that's something else to be excited about.
i'm even happy about going back to school tomorrow.
becuz you know....i'll get to see him...lol.