Thoughts

it's days like these that i sit and think and i'm happy and sad rolled into one.

it was gorgeous out. actually it still is. 70 degrees..sunny. with a breeze. i love it when i let my cat out and watch her as she sprawls on the hot sidewalk, rolling over and over in the sun. looking at her lately, i wonder how much longer she'll last, and know that i'll pry be 3 hours away when she decides to leave us.

school seems like such a joke right now. not meaning it's easy by any means, if only it could be. with four or five weeks left of life that i call high school shit, i feel kinda nostalgic. leaving the comfort of a building i know everything about is kinda unnerving. i haven't decided if i'm going to pursue band at OU, so these last weeks here could be my last few with regular music classes. who knows. everything is so unpredictable and unknown.

and i mean, this past year all i've wanted is to leave, escape, forget all that is st. marys. i've hated the drama, the judging eyes, the whispering rumors and hurtful words of the past 4 years. i've hated feeling secondhand, not good enough, the one that everyone pretends to like every once in a while, but most of the time gets cold shoulders.

i've been trying to enjoy my last few months here. and i have for the most part. the underlying thought that i won't have to sit through the same thing everyday over and over soon helps a lot. but people help too.

this sounds absolutely terrible, but the less i hang out with the people from high school, the more i like them. but sensibly, when i'm not around them all the time, i don't hear about all the dramatic details, and i have a chance to love them for their innocent, brilliant, funny moments rather than their weaker moments. everyone gets caught up in drama, we just don't wanna be remembered for it.

i think about trent a lot. he's pretty much the only thing that gets me by, and that's no exaggeration. i look forward to about 9 o'clock, monday thru friday, about 20 minutes into 2nd period, when he usually texts me saying something like hey pretty girl, or good morning sweetheart. i am able to keep myself awake in calculus on those days when i know at 3 o'clock i'll be leaving to go to his house for awhile. i live for the weekends, my break into the real life versus the monotony i experience otherwise. and the weekends are filled with trent, and his friends, and his family.

a lot of people say that i'm too busy hanging out with my boyfriend to spend time with them. but honestly, while i'm with trent, making friendships with his brother, with college buds, rodeo buds, and of course building our own relationship, i don't worry about whether the people from school gossip and hate me, and i love them for them, not hate them for their words.

and you know, when i'm with trent, or when i talk with him on the phone, or even when i'm bored and find myself looking at the "hard ass" pictures he's sent me on my phone, i consider myself to be one of the luckiest people in the world. sure, i don't know what i'm gonna do with my life, beyond starting off in athens down south. i don't know how i'm gonna pay for college, or how i'll deal with leaving my family and friends for new faces. i don't know where i'm gonna end up in 10 years but i do know that i'm so amazingly happy when i'm with him, and that love isn't even close to describing how i feel.

it's darker now. but still decent outside, with a sweatshirt. the breakfast club is on tv, and my mom and i will sit down to watch dancing with the stars soon. then we'll discuss and critique. i'll take a shower. eat some crackers. trent will call me, and i'll go to sleep.

summer is going to be perfect. learning how to swim, and pry doing it often. going to the drive in and not making it through the entire movie without a kiss or two. lying on the grass with blankets, staring at the stars. and he'll be there. and i can't wait.