Less Than a Week

my words are caught
somewhere inside
just below the surface
so i can't hide
the fear within me
grabbing with fingers
scrambling to escape.
i'm missing you
a week before
i know i'm gonna
have to.
and i'm scared
to let you go
i just don't
want to.
so far away
i know our
love is large
but how are
are your arms
going to comfort?
i wish things
were easier than this..

Rob Thomas, Little Wonders

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

Urges

i want to

-get a new car
-figure out what i'm thinking, majoring in creative writing. what the hell..i'm mental.
-not freak out so much
-make out
a lot
right now.
-run away

in no particular order.
except for the making out thing. that i would accept asap.
ugh.

Mid-Afternoon Thinking

when i think about going away to college at ohio, it seems daunting that i'll spend 4 years down there learning and pursuing dreams and writing my future. but then again, 4 years ago, i was just starting high school, thinking the same things i am now, and wondering if i would ever make it out alive.

i was a lot different then. as far as physical appearances go, i was almost completely different. super toothpick skinny...long twiggy arms and legs, huge fuzz-ball of a nest of hair, and kind of awkward all around. but i was excited, and trying to settle in to a new stage in life. i got my first boyfriend, and lost him, but gained friends and even after one year i knew what it was to live spontaneously and run with the changes of life.

the first 3 years were tough. battling between friends, figuring out you can't trust just anyone. exposing my heart, only to get it stomped on. pushing myself to the limits, setting goals, then breaking them, or coming up short and dealing with failure, learning from mistakes. becoming wiser through relationships, through books, through the music i surrounded myself with, and through the dancing i always held on to. finding out my best friend could be a large old man in sweats, making me smile through tears of pain. realizing my mentor for music was more like my dad, and knowing that there's always people there, waiting to hold you up.

my senior year, to be honest, is kind of like a blur when i reflect back. so much emotion, so many feelings, and yet when i glance behind, it all meshes together into this big reel of color and sound and i can't believe it's over.

i remember falling for the cute little sophomore, and the catfights that he brought with him. i remember the relief of the final march on the field, and then the disappointment of being ranked second in my art. i remember frustrations of school, of classes, of teachers and clubs that had me to the point of ripping out my hair. i remember being onstage, with that southern drawl, knowing it would be my last. i remember feeling so alone for so long...weeks and weeks that melted into hell for a 17 year old. i remember wondering why i even tried.

but i also remember picking myself up. and getting to know new faces. and meeting the person that would be my rock through the end, meeting another family that soon felt like my own, meeting a soul that seemed to complete mine.

i remember new york and the glamor. i remember prom, putting on that dress and feeling every bit as beautiful as he said i was. i remember those last few days, when summer was edging in, as we, seniors, were edging out. i remember graduating. and sighing.

so much in so little time. and that's just it. 4 years, although numerous hours, long long weeks and countless days, isn't long. it's short. and it'll fly by.

the trick, i think, for me, will be just to get started.

wow. i have like a week. and then i'll be off.
that's just so weird.

I Suck

yesterday was my best friend's 20th birthday.

and yesterday my best friend's best friend died.

and all i could do was cry about my feelings.

because on top of it all

i'm leaving

and i was upset

that he didn't want me there.

and now i'm mad

because when i'm mad at him

i hate myself for being mad

and instead of it

being about me

it should've

been about him.

i suck.

It's Wednesday

and it feels like the end of everything. why does the finality of summer seem so ultimate??



like, the edge. the precipice. the peak of independence kind of.

today everyone went to school, but not me. my time's coming though..

2 weeks.

yikes.

To Sum Up

"leaving sucks huge swollen balls."

-me

18 Holes

i went golfing today.

well not really. like, i went and sat in a golf cart while i watched people play golf. which was still a first. i've seen trent kind of golf. but not really. so i went today. and it was kinda cool. i at least could keep up with scores, and will was helping me out with learning some of the shots and stuff.

i realized something today though. when i go to college, i'm saying goodbye to lots of people. mainly, though, my family

-mom, dad, tom, gma and gpa, jan and dan, hill and jeff.
and maggie and china doll of course.

and then there's close friends i've spent eternity with.

-emily, marissa, maria, jarrod, abby.

and obviously trent. but today it hit me that it's not just trent, but his family that i'm gonna miss too. joking around with will, flirting at times, becoming like the defensive older sister at others...laughing at drew's laid-back sense of humor...chatting with beth about hair and gossip and the boys and just girl stuff...and smiling at the random appearances and off-the-wall comments from dean. it's stuff i've gotten accostomed to these past 7 months and now it's depressing to know i have to bid farewell to those moments too.

it's almost like they're my family too. which is great. i just wish i didn't have to leave any of it.

One of Those Times

you know those times when you just wanna scream

fuck this.

yeah.

of course i don't even know why i'm writing this. no one reads it.

might as well fuck this too.

My Air

it's ten in the morning
or ten in the evening
or ten sometime in the afternoon
and forever's coming so soon..

the days and the hours
the minutes and seconds
the weeks into months into years-
i'm forced to face all my fears..

cuz i'm leaving
i'm going away
learning day by day
how to be
how to live
how to breathe
without you-
hard as it may seem,
i'm so scared
unprepared
and breathing without
the air.

there's bricks at my ankles
there's chains at my wrists
i'm not bothering to remove-
independence is not so smooth.

my heart keeps on racing
my feet keep on pacing
oh i wish i knew your thoughts
are you like me, do you feel caught?

cuz i'm leaving
i'm going away
learning day by day
how to be
how to live
how to breathe
without you-
hard as it may seem,
i'm so scared
unprepared
and breathing without
the air.

it's so hard to say goodbye
i don't wanna try
to let you go
even if it's for a month or so
cuz i know you know..

i'm leaving
i'm going away
learning day by day
how to be
how to live
how to breathe
without you-
hard as it may seem,
i'm so scared
unprepared
and breathing without
you there
is like breathing without
the air.

Waiting

to schedule for a class that only has one spot open is nerve-racking.

becuz i have to wait another ten mins.

and i'm worried i won't get it... :S

I'm a Freshman!

sooo i'm down here at athens. in this dinky little hotel room

-which by the way looks like those hotel rooms in the movies where they find dead people or crack dealers or something. if i die, you know why.


but anyhow. athens. i'm down here for college orientation, sorting out classes, working out meal plans, checking out where i'm gonna live, yadda yadda. it's stressful, exciting, boring, and tiring all in one, if that's even possible. i mean, it's crazy cuz you're trying to figure out classes that'll all fit into one schedule, running around the campus, trying to pretend you know where you're going, then sitting in on tedious conferences with gray men telling us these are very important and serious times.


not that these AREN'T important and serious times. it's just we've all been hearing that all our lives soooo yeah. but i've met some.....interesting people. some i may never see, some i hope i never see, but it's been a good experience overall. so far lol.

and i'm sitting here on my cute little laptop. and this is the first time i've really gotten a chance to play on it, so it makes me happy. :)

i love how awesome it is down here. although i still can't help but dwell on the fact that i'm gonna be hopelessly home-sick for things like my bed and my cat, people like my parents and trent, and just st. marys in general. uggggggh.

I'm Gonna Miss Him

looking at you
staring back
i wonder how you know
the feelings i don't show
seeing in through the eyes
and glancing inside-
an invasion
of the sweetest kind.
and you take my hand
brush it to your lips
so simple, i think
is this what love is?
it must be-
it's in the way
you touch me.
just snuggling
and sitting close
it'd be useless to hide
since everyone knows
by looking at our fingers
intertwined
you're mine..