Mid-Afternoon Thinking

when i think about going away to college at ohio, it seems daunting that i'll spend 4 years down there learning and pursuing dreams and writing my future. but then again, 4 years ago, i was just starting high school, thinking the same things i am now, and wondering if i would ever make it out alive.

i was a lot different then. as far as physical appearances go, i was almost completely different. super toothpick skinny...long twiggy arms and legs, huge fuzz-ball of a nest of hair, and kind of awkward all around. but i was excited, and trying to settle in to a new stage in life. i got my first boyfriend, and lost him, but gained friends and even after one year i knew what it was to live spontaneously and run with the changes of life.

the first 3 years were tough. battling between friends, figuring out you can't trust just anyone. exposing my heart, only to get it stomped on. pushing myself to the limits, setting goals, then breaking them, or coming up short and dealing with failure, learning from mistakes. becoming wiser through relationships, through books, through the music i surrounded myself with, and through the dancing i always held on to. finding out my best friend could be a large old man in sweats, making me smile through tears of pain. realizing my mentor for music was more like my dad, and knowing that there's always people there, waiting to hold you up.

my senior year, to be honest, is kind of like a blur when i reflect back. so much emotion, so many feelings, and yet when i glance behind, it all meshes together into this big reel of color and sound and i can't believe it's over.

i remember falling for the cute little sophomore, and the catfights that he brought with him. i remember the relief of the final march on the field, and then the disappointment of being ranked second in my art. i remember frustrations of school, of classes, of teachers and clubs that had me to the point of ripping out my hair. i remember being onstage, with that southern drawl, knowing it would be my last. i remember feeling so alone for so long...weeks and weeks that melted into hell for a 17 year old. i remember wondering why i even tried.

but i also remember picking myself up. and getting to know new faces. and meeting the person that would be my rock through the end, meeting another family that soon felt like my own, meeting a soul that seemed to complete mine.

i remember new york and the glamor. i remember prom, putting on that dress and feeling every bit as beautiful as he said i was. i remember those last few days, when summer was edging in, as we, seniors, were edging out. i remember graduating. and sighing.

so much in so little time. and that's just it. 4 years, although numerous hours, long long weeks and countless days, isn't long. it's short. and it'll fly by.

the trick, i think, for me, will be just to get started.

wow. i have like a week. and then i'll be off.
that's just so weird.