Guidance?

i wish i could say that i'm always happy and that i'm such an optimistic person. which i kind of am...only not for myself but others. mostly i take what's given to me, and i run with it. and why not?? God puts us on this earth to LIVE, so why would i want to sit around and waste my time, puttering around thoughts and dreams that MAYBE they MIGHT not come true. so that's what i strive for. my dreams. my goals. my wishes. my desires. although sometimes, on this journey towards my ultimate-ness, i get kind of discouraged.

by the dumbest things.

take for example my school work. i've always done quite good, i'm at the top of my class, and every year my rank goes higher and higher. and i'm proud. because i know my efforts from all my life at school are paying off, and will *hopefully* end up paying for college. lately i've been getting really good grades and i've been staying ontop of my work. but every once in a while i get this little feeling that maybe i'm slipping, slacking, slouching academically, and it scares me.

of course i don't wanna become one of those teenagers that sits at home with her notes and her textbooks, studying instead of being with friends, just to achieve that little + sign after the letter grade. i'm not even dropping my grades. but i psyche myself out by making me believe that i'm gonna start to slack. i know...i'm weird.

or like with my friends. one day i can be sitting with them happy as can be with a smile on my face and a laugh on my lips. but sometimes i feel like i'm second best, even to those i deemed trustworthy. sure they'll listen to me rant, rave, cry and curse....only when no one better is around to talk to. it's a sick weird feeling and yet it comes with each day, at different times from different people. and i hate it.

then there's this magical boy who's turned my world upside down. i've honestly waited around for him for 3 MONTHS. i mean come on...who does that honestly. and i don't know what it is about him, but the more we talk, the more we realize how much alike we really are. same beliefs, same dislikes, same preferences when it comes between chocolate and vanilla - it's mind-boggling to actually know how many times we finish each others' sentences. but sometimes i get this feeling like i'm doing something wrong.......do i deserve him?? his friends tell me he likes me a lot, and i believe them for about 2 days, but then what? i revert back to my shy, confused way of not really knowing what it means when he looks at me that way.

saturday was amazing. i can't deny that no matter which way i look at it. but is it something he felt strongly about too??? i'd like to think so..

i think i have self-confidence issues.....argggh. i need counselled.