My Imperfections on the Art of Communication

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I know exactly what to say and I lack the courage. Sometimes I simply have too much, but instead of keeping it to a minimum, I spill all, mostly more than I intended, hurting the ones I love. I guess that's my problem, or one of my many. Perhaps I haven't gotten the hold on this whole "life" thing we do. The communicating part I mean. The part where you talk to someone who means a lot and you say something you don't exactly mean, or something that came out the wrong way. You can't go back and change that. You can't take that back. You can wait for them to forgive, or move past it, and hope that next time you won't be such an ass. Any and all of these situations I hate.

But you know what I hate the most? Knowing the exact words, the exact tone, and saying them with such forcefulness and never knowing what kind of impact they left. Not knowing I guess. Maybe that's it.

What I hate is when then, after saying those words, I in turn hate myself for ever uttering them, and proceed to mentally kick myself in the head. What are they thinking? What's gonna happen next? When will I find self-actualization? How can I ever know if what I'm doing is actually right?

I hate hurting people. Unfortunately, that's seems to be my specialty....

....no wonder no one wants to be close to me