thinking

..I've been in a weird mood lately. like, when I think about last week, I guess I would say I've been happy, since last week was SHITTY AS HELL..ya know, with me being sick, and then it being valentines day. I've hardly been at school, considering the fact that we had a blizzard last week, and then today we had fog becuz it was really warm outside...the snow is all melting. I found a prom dress on monday, which by the way is gorgeous. I feel like going to the oscars or something when I put it on, which would be pretty cool when you think about it, only I'd have to like, get famous for my wonderful acting skills first..haha.

school's been school - what else is there to expect? tests and figures and people always asking you where you're gonna go with your life. my friends are the only things that are getting me through the rest of this year...I wish it was summer. with long days that go too fast, humid nights where you lay out in the road just for the thrill and fireflies to light the way. with green grass that has to be mowed every week, celebrating life with friends, and that feeling that life is laid out in front of you, all you have to do is take it. it scares me sometimes to think about how quickly everything goes by...

but as I said..weird mood lately. which could be a really really good thing. maybe I'm actually gonna go through a nice phase in life with good decisions and choices that won't bite me in the ass...one can only hope.

Here's a theory

Afraid of life? Worried about the world coming to an end? Think there's nothing to hold out for - that a new day will never shine?

It's ok...it's already tomorrow in Australia.

How convenient..

valentines day.....hah. great timing, cupid.

-To show the rift in my mind

...so i've done what you asked. or at least, i've tried. first i went about and forgot about you, voided you from my existence - i realized i really didn't need you. then you called my name out in the dark, your dark, wanting me to shine my light so you could find your way home. was i ever bright enough? i tried to be that light you were looking for and after awhile i thought i succeeded, but go figure, i didn't have the brilliant luster of some others. now, stepping back, i thought that maybe my light would rest from searching you out, thinking maybe i can find my way through my own dark without you, and then you go and make comments about how maybe i was the right light afterall. ha. what a fool i was to fall into your lies again. empty promises, dull goodbyes and lonely nights have proved to me that no matter how much my heart yearns to help you, my light should not shine for you any longer......and my own journey through the dark shall remain dark...or at least, without you...let's just hope i have the stength to block out your voice, that familiar call, for a guide through darkness..





...you thought you forgot me, and i in turn thought you had misplaced my name in a sea of past times and nights on the phone when neither one of us wanted to hang up. those were the days, when i was blind and made choices i wish i could go back on. pushing away all i knew was good and right and best for me...then of course the time when you had your turn, and pushed me away with both hands, yelling something like why did i ever used to love you. but unlike you, i couldn't force those thoughts of laying in the grass together, watching the sky for the clouds that weren't there, waiting for things to happen, wondering what to do. they haunted me, and you're here in my wake asking me to forget. how easy life must be for you then.....i'm glad you're not missing anything. in fact, boy A in paragraph 1 probably isn't missing anything either.

so for them both - sure. i'll cover up those nights. i'll smooth over those long afternoons and no longer reminisce with the past. that's what you've been asking for, isn't it?

i guess if it'll make you happy....

What I want and what I don't.

Boy A.
He's not-so-perfect for me. And I don't wanna want him.....but I do. I mean, there'll always be potential - I think - even though we said there wasn't, and even though I know we can't be together, we shouldn't be together, and we quite possibly won't ever, I do want him.

Boy Q.
(Why didn't I call him Boy B? Becuz....these 2 men are soooooooo different, there's no way in hell they would be so close as to be letters A and B. Q seems to be the optimal route to go.) He's.........in sooo many ways..well, more perfect for me than A. In fact, I've had plenty of people tell me that's we're perfect together. But becuz of history and past dealings, I don't wanna want him. But...well, I do. Potential? Ha...well, I must say I passed up chances, but as for if he would want me back? I just don't know. But despite my uncertainty and want for not wanting him, I want him.

So what to do? It's not like I can sit back and say "well, I want him more than the other, so I'll focus on JUST him" becuz, well, in all reality, I know that I shouldn't want either one. I CAN'T. I don't wanna set myself up for heartbreak (which seems to be inevitable) but I can't help myself either.

Point of the matter is
no matter how much I would want one over the other, neither is going to happen.

I'm so confused.
I hate not knowing what to do.
Becuz even if I have the right answer staring me in the face, I tend to overlook it.
Ask Boy Q.
He knows this trait to be a fact.

Maybe he knows me better than me.
Maybe I'm afraid to know me
Becuz I know that knowing me would show what I really want
Which is
of course
What I think I don't want...

Argggg........I hate this.

I'm sorry...

you don't know me. or at least, you used to. you used to know everything about me - every move i would make, every face to go along with every phrase, you knew it. and i knew you. we were inseperable. and no matter who waltzed in and out of my life, i thought that nothing could change that.

obviously, i was wrong. because i, once again, went against everything you advised me, and did the unthinkable. i turned my back on you and everything we had and did what i thought, at the time, was right. we both know how my decisions end up though...in tears and long phones calls with you....

i know i pissed you off. and i know that you've asked me so many times why, why did i do it, after everything, why..

even though i hate admitting it, it was jealousy. jealousy and frustration that after everything, i still wasn't good enough for you. maybe i never was...maybe i never will be...

valentines day is soon. and even though we had almost severed ties, i still have dreams about you, and i find myself looking at your pictures and missing you. you drive me crazy, sometimes i absolutely can't stand you. at times you seem so annoying, you could drive me up a wall...and yet, i still laugh at all your jokes, key the same old phrases with you, and when we're alone, things seem to fall back into place.

remember those long nights when we'd sit in your car? the first time i got grounded.....and us just sitting there listening to konstantine, thinking, wishing....



And if this is what it takes
Just to lie in my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the things I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine


did you know i miss you? if only it wasn't too late..