Change for today

cold air on my face
i feel the winds of indiscretion
whipping - churning
burning marks into innocent flesh.
we as citizens of something bigger
can but only raise a finger
lift it up and let it linger
in hopes of stopping something
we know won't end.
such as the wars we're fighting in
everyday we meet evils - invite them in
only to destroy the peace we're hoping for
in and out of our starving souls
why wait on the world to change?
as it's not getting better on its own,
letting in anger and pain
letting in hate-let's gain some appreciation.
cuz i say no
you say no
we all join in NO MORE of this hate.
why wait on the world to change?
join in hands and spirits
lift our voices, let them hear it
as we proclaim our song
our story of a life without all the pain.
we are the future
we are here to stay
why not change things to make them our way?
if we keep waiting on the world to change
we'll have nothing to rearrange but the
blacks and grays and
in-betweens of conformity.
ladies and gentlemen
let's live today
instead of waiting on the world to change..

I can't concentrate.

what to do about my quiet little crush?
should i nurse it
with a steady flow of giddiness and giggles
a flirtatious nod and a girlish smile?
he flirts back too...i guess it couldn't hurt when he encourages it
with his teasing conversations
unnecessary walks over to where i am just to make a comment or two
and playful touches, tickles, temptations..
i find myself lost in the music while at band-
not wandering through messes of notes
but stumbling through words i wish i could make my mouth say
and tripping over myself with excitement at another chance
just to catch his eye..

A guarded friend

have you ever played with death my friends?
he's not your usual pal.
he slinks in shadows to avoid bright eyes
and hates to draw attention.
sunlight he detests-
so darkness it must be
if looking for a fling with
guarded mister death.
his pursed mouth shows melonchaly
his papery skin shows neglect
his voice sends chills through the warmest of days
and his touch able to freeze hell.
but his eyes show that yearning
that loneliness from others
that lack of love one could only expect.
his captivating stare haunts you deep into the night
and yet to steal away with him,
if you would dare,
would be your life's last flight.

be wary young friends for though his appearance subdued
it's of his eyes you should be cautious
he's quite alone
in his shifty cold corners-
but be caught in the draft!
you'll be gone forever..
be prepared to play his games.

It's just a little

crush..

i mean, hell, i don't know what i want nowadays.
or i do
or did
but lately, well, i don't seem to get what i want.
some people tell me i'm just afraid
but of rejection?
being turned down?
missing out again?
i sat down and thought about everything for a long time today.
about jacob
and brandon
and jay
and yes....this little crush.
and it all just seems so trivial when i step back to look at it.
very small and insignificant, like it just won't matter in 5 years.
to be frank, it prolly won't.
not any of it.
but still..i mean, let's break it down.
jacob....i dunno. i mean there was attraction
i can't deny that
and he's weird and quirky, just like me, go figure
but..there just seemed to be too many complications.
and brandon..well, i mean, he was my first love ok?
and i miss him dearly
but he's changed!! oh so much..
he's not the same guy i fell in love with by far, and i'd be dumb to ever think we could have that again
and it's hard..
i'll just have to face that.
and i've started to
i know he's leaving
and i know that it's it.
and then of course during this transition, i had to meet jay
the cute boy i can't have
due to distance
but whatever.....i think i just crushed on him becuz he was someone i knew nothing could happen with..does that make sense?
someone who...was safe almost. i wasn't afraid to say
the wrong thing to
just becuz it's not going to lead anywhere...
maybe...i just don't know
but then there's this boy
this...particular boy
who's still in high school
in my hometown
...so i'll actually see him hah
who wasn't in trouble with the law
who is someone i think i could trust not to change identity on me..like some others..
thing is, i don't know what to say.
i'm lost for words when it comes to him, he makes me feel nervous, excited, anxious and antsy all at the same time.
when he smiles at me half the time i forget what i'm saying, and just make a fool of myself...what's wrong with me?
he's always been cute
and nice
and funny
and worth it
he had a gf.....so i guess he was always off-limits too.
but now?
but i swore off guys
i'm sick of them all
i don't like the games they play and it's just a trap, really...
but still..
i just don't know.
someone tells me

he could be worth it
maybe you should say something..anything

hah..ok.
so why can't i make all the smooth words and sexy phrases make it past the outreaches of my mind and out so that he could hear them?
like i said...people say i'm
afraid.
but of what?
this could be just a crush..
or is it?

An Endless Mind Reel

am i being dumb?
i shouldn't say
screw it
should i?
that would be like giving in
to life
and all the little ways it
lets you down.
then again, i almost feel like if i sit and let everything happen
with me in the middle
once again
allowing everything to wash over me
without trying in the slightest to just
make myself feel better
then that would be like giving up
letting go
succumbing
quitting
right?
although saying screw it entirely would i guess be
reckless
considering i'm a thoughtful person -
meaning i think things through
pry too much, but that's just me.
i want control
i want happiness
i want to love
and be loved
i want compassion
and friendship
and companionship
i want the nervous butterflies
and everything else that comes with love.
i wanted that with a certain someone for so long
and even now i'm not sure if some of that lingers
but i'm lonely
and i'm tired of it
should i just say
fuck it all?
i just don't know..

He called

..last nite.

u know..the oh so unattainable one.

his first words of the evening were of course, perfect.
"is sarah there? can u please tell her that i am madly in love with her? thanks, i sure would appreciate that."

further into the convo, i brought up the fact that he could have any girl he wanted there in columbus. and i asked him in all seriousness why he chooses to call me every other nite, talking for 2 hours over the phone. i mean, i live an hour and a half away, and i didn't see why he would waste his time on some chick that he won't get to see very often AT ALL.

he didn't say anything for a moment, and i kinda almost kicked myself for even asking the question. but then he went on to say that even though i lived farther away than preferred, he thought i was different than all the other girls where he is....he likes talking to me.

he also added the "and i feel like if i didn't talk to u, i'd be making a mistake. it just feels right to wanna call u. "

He is so

unattainable.

or i shouldn't say that becuz well...he wasn't so "unattainable" a week ago.

but how are u supposed to uphold a little fling, and nurture it into a would-be relationship when he lives in columbus? and u only really talk to him over the phone? and the likeliness of really seeing him that much is v. v. minimum?

and what do i know about him anyways? that he swept me off of my feet, treated me the way i've wanted to be treated, said all the right things and flirted the right way, and managed to make me feel amazing.

he's prolly a player....one of those guys with 5 girls calling him every night, a different date every weekend, and too many numbers to deal with. not that he is a jerk, but he's gorgeous. and funny. and sweet....he's good at the smooth talk. and if he can win a girl's heart in 4 days, someone from out of town that he's never even met before, then what's stopping him from a town full of more available girls?

then again.....he's called me every night since the camp where we met...and tells me how he thinks about me and really does like me. i guess he wouldn't do that unless he meant it right?

gosh i'm working myself up over nothing...i need to stop this.

What I've learned

so i guess u have to take a fall before u can fully rise.
more like u have to take a fall, then be tripped, then stepped on my the people u trust.

then u can rise.

but before that? nope. there u are - practically part of the ground.
i never really thought i did anything to deserve what always seem to happen to me. i still don't think i did anything. i'm just a simple small town girl, trying to get by in high school, dealing with drama just like the rest of them.

i guess to someone out there it seems necessary for me to be given great things in life, only to have them taken away. i mean, i guess if this unknown person or being thinks it is needed that i ride an emotional roller-coaster for what has it been now..a year (?)...i guess i should just roll with the punches and get over it.

becuz that's what i'm supposed to do i guess. i mean, when the guy i'm kinda dating lies to me, when my best friend ditches me, and when another close friend stabs me in the back~pretty much~ i'm expected to get over it. ok. yep. becuz, u know, i have no feelings whatsoever, and i can just snap back from all that whenever u want me to.

so whatever...i'm so sick of people expecting this, and wanting that out of me. i'm better than that. i don't need that in my life. and i will get over it.

but not for anyone else but myself. i guess it just sucks when all that happens...especially at once.