It's just a little

crush..

i mean, hell, i don't know what i want nowadays.
or i do
or did
but lately, well, i don't seem to get what i want.
some people tell me i'm just afraid
but of rejection?
being turned down?
missing out again?
i sat down and thought about everything for a long time today.
about jacob
and brandon
and jay
and yes....this little crush.
and it all just seems so trivial when i step back to look at it.
very small and insignificant, like it just won't matter in 5 years.
to be frank, it prolly won't.
not any of it.
but still..i mean, let's break it down.
jacob....i dunno. i mean there was attraction
i can't deny that
and he's weird and quirky, just like me, go figure
but..there just seemed to be too many complications.
and brandon..well, i mean, he was my first love ok?
and i miss him dearly
but he's changed!! oh so much..
he's not the same guy i fell in love with by far, and i'd be dumb to ever think we could have that again
and it's hard..
i'll just have to face that.
and i've started to
i know he's leaving
and i know that it's it.
and then of course during this transition, i had to meet jay
the cute boy i can't have
due to distance
but whatever.....i think i just crushed on him becuz he was someone i knew nothing could happen with..does that make sense?
someone who...was safe almost. i wasn't afraid to say
the wrong thing to
just becuz it's not going to lead anywhere...
maybe...i just don't know
but then there's this boy
this...particular boy
who's still in high school
in my hometown
...so i'll actually see him hah
who wasn't in trouble with the law
who is someone i think i could trust not to change identity on me..like some others..
thing is, i don't know what to say.
i'm lost for words when it comes to him, he makes me feel nervous, excited, anxious and antsy all at the same time.
when he smiles at me half the time i forget what i'm saying, and just make a fool of myself...what's wrong with me?
he's always been cute
and nice
and funny
and worth it
he had a gf.....so i guess he was always off-limits too.
but now?
but i swore off guys
i'm sick of them all
i don't like the games they play and it's just a trap, really...
but still..
i just don't know.
someone tells me

he could be worth it
maybe you should say something..anything

hah..ok.
so why can't i make all the smooth words and sexy phrases make it past the outreaches of my mind and out so that he could hear them?
like i said...people say i'm
afraid.
but of what?
this could be just a crush..
or is it?