And Yet

i have this pit in my stomach.
i guess
to revise
i wish i was happy
and could stay that way...

Despite Everything

i play with my hair
waay too much
i guess it's a nervous habit.
i hate peas
and tomatoes
and pickles
and mustard-
i love my meat.
i bite at my lips
when i'm nervous
or upset
and sigh obnoxiously
when i'm pissed.
my face turns
reeeeally red
when i laugh
and i hate my nose.
there's so many times
when i don't know what to say
but i say something anyway
and sound retarded.
i'm kinda clumsy
and sometimes awkward
and i hardly ever feel
beautiful.
but you love me
and make me forget
imprefections
and for awhile
i smile.

Stuck

i wish i was happy.
sometimes i am. but it never lasts.
because when i get happy
it's usually when i'm with friends
laughing
or with trent.
but in the back of my mind i
realize that i'm gonna leave
all this behind
and go where i'm afraid to
go.
so with that smile
i hide a tear
so people don't worry
or ask what's wrong.
sometimes i wish they would
ask-
there's so much
that no one knows
but then again
i don't know if i have the
words
or the courage
to say them.
so i'm alone.

For Once

i get to go to legends tonight for some cheesy-fry heavenliness and i'm pumped.

yumm.

College

i signed up for a double-
i got a quad.

i signed up for east green-
i got south.

i put class rank and AC as 2 of my requests-
i think i might be with upperclassmen. and i don't think there's any air conditioning.

AND i had a mini freakout. *sigh*......i'm scared

St. Marys, OH

i'm home. finally.
and i'm happy that i'm here.
AND i realized.....only six weeks til school....

Precious Moments

if only there where
50 hours in a day
so that dreams and fantasies
could come out to play
and stay.
there's too many wonders
teasing wishes into life
but then the world cuts right in
like the blade of a knife
and we move on.
but i wanna stay in the moment
of being with my friends
of snuggling with my lover
knowing nothing has to end
i wanna never leave my family's side
and when i hurt, i don't wanna hide
the pain.
but let it leave
so i can live on again.
i wanna live in the laughter
of making a mistake
and rejoice in the memories
of what my mom and i have made.
the closeness of a father
and a daughter can't be spared
and maybe someday somewhere
my brother and i can learn
to speak
not shout.
i wish these moments
these times of pure happiness
why can't i stay?
why must i always go?
i'll never know
and not knowing
that i hate most of all
because
what if
i stumble and fall?
i just wanna hold on
to these moments in my story
with 50 hours in a day
and nothing left to worry.

One Look

glancing
gazing
my heart glazes over
when i'm looking at you.
all the touching
tasting
feeling the tension
between our bodies -
it's tough to break free
from the hunger in your eyes
when you're staring at me
and i feel no surprise
from the urges inside
to take you and hide
in the dark.
and do things that no one can
see.
just you and
me.
a fury of fingernails and
rumpled hair
and testing the strength
of each hand on
each body.
quick needy breaths
and low raspy voices
taking and taking
clutching flesh on flesh
just to be closer.
and knowing that when one heart
pounds
the other does too.
rattling the senses
and breaking the boundaries
by indulging each other
through lips parted and searching.
such a fire inside
just because i looked at you

I Like Moolattes

what i love about being out here in MO is that it doesn't matter how long it's been, things are still - practically - the same. my cousin brooke is still rushing off to softball games everyday, her little brother still chatters non-stop. my cousin liz is still very pregnant and very moody. my grandma is still crazy but cute and amazing. and there's something about this house itself, like it has its own powers of bringing everyone together.

we went to this new bass pro shop today. reminds me of a cabela's store, seeing as they're both huge and both have essentially the same stuff. big, with hunting, fishing, camping, boating, and hiking supplies all over the place. v. v. cool.

but you know?? i miss home. i'm always wanting to leave and yet that's where i wanna be right now. of course, i'll be away much longer than 2 weeks when i'm at OU. but still.......i miss my man.

and college is looming.

Thinking

i sometimes wonder if he knows how often i think about him.
i wouldn't say it's constant, but a lot. sometimes i know that i'm thinking about him, especially when i see something that reminds me, or when someone brings him up in a conversation.

other times i'll absent-mindedly flip open my phone to look for a text i know i haven't gotten. search through old messages to let my eyes rest once more upon words that make my lips curl into smile. look at pictures he's sent just so i can look at his eyes.

at times i feel so stupid though. mostly in times like these, when i'm miles - hours - away and haven't seen him. because then my thoughts dwell more and i'm more tempted to text.

i wish i could tell him how i always have an itch to fly my fingers over those phone-buttons to message him. i wish i could tell him that there are countless times in a day i'll start a message, then stop because i don't wanna seem overwhelming. then how when i do text, it's because the urge is too strong, and that a simple "lol" makes my heart jump.

it's been 6 months as of monday, and it's so silly of me to still catch my breath my the cell vibrates, hoping it's him. or to realize that the second i leave his house, or he leaves mine, miss him.

god. i have issues lol.
and, i need to get home soon. this over-the-phone stuff sucks.

Independence, MO

grandma's house. to stay.
at least, til sunday morning.
and as always -
i love it here with all my family. :)

Humming Birds

are so small. makes me wonder what the baby birds look like when they come out of the nest, seeing as the adult version is so tiny ha.

we went hiking up to some cliff dwellings today.
(which, if you don't already know, is where ancient indian people carved into the side of a cliff and built their homes into the sheer wall of rock. it's pretty amazing)
it was soo awesome, and the sights were beautiful, it's been so long since i've been hardcore hiking and i missed it a lot.

BUT we went to the visitors' center afterwards, and the tree outside had all these little hanging birdfeeders with sugar water. oh my wow. there had to be like 30 of those little humming birds buzzing around fighting each other for a spot on the feeder. and have you ever realized how loud those suckers are?? just one bird flapping his wings so fast sounds like an entire swarm of mosquitoes it's crazy.

we're leaving tomorrow morning, headed up to missouri to see the gparents. and i'm just really happy. :)

Mimbres, NM

it's crazy how so much can happen and be done that even i don't know where to start in telling a story. guess i'll have to compartmentalize.

My Grandma Anna Mae
she is amazing. no joke - 96 years old and still making me laugh so hard i cry. she's living in a nursing home now that's about 2 hrs away from here, and has been for about 5 years. but see, when she was younger, she liked to paint. and she still does. she's got paintings all over the room, she's selling them, had a big banquet in her honor around christmas time, and is still really enjoying life. and she remembers things like they just happened yesterday. i can't even put into words how much she inspired me with her stories of traveling the world, dating adventures in college, and even her "flapper memories" with the short dresses and fringe. she's beautiful, in a breakable way, obviously aged, but i did notice how her nails were still being manicured.

The House
oh my wow. up and around and down, out, in, through and anything else with the mountains. it's hidden in this little nook, pretty as could be and sooo isolated. spanish style build, tile floors all throughout, and the ranch!! horses and mules and chickens and of course a bunch of dogs. german shephard patty, sheep dog roxie, big bloodhound jake, little russel terrier lucky......they'd keep you busy if nothing else. we took all the dogs for a hike today in the mountains (you know, one of the hikes where you are squeezing between boulders and splashing through streams, and spotting evidence of bears every 5 minutes. my aunt told me she had a gun though, so nothing to worry about, of course....... :S

it's truly awesome here. i really can't wait to go see my grandparents in independence though. my whole family. the other half of me :) it's kinda weird how i can feel soo at home in st. marys, but then travel ten hours west and feel at home in missouri too. then again i was born there. and we visit, never as often as we wish, but as often as we can. *sigh*

but i kinda miss home. my maggie. my bed. my trent. :)

if you're reading this..i love you.

Tucumcari, New Mexico

that's where we are. kinda sounds like the middle of BFE but it's ok. obviously, since there's a place to charge a phone and use the internet, it's not too bad. we got here about an hour ago..set up tents, made some stew. and it's decent here...only like 75 degrees out. yesterday was hell though.

we didn't leave the house til around noon (what did i predict. NOT leaving at 9. gee, how did i guess that one...) of course, with my dad being super sick, mom drove, insisting i didn't have to, but if she has to drive too long, she gets cranky.

so let's see. one sick person, one moody person, one oblivious person (which could only mean tom, he never has a clue) and one person who's hating the entire situation. oh, and let me make mention of the car. i don't think we could've packed more things into it. we fit all of our suitcase bags, sleeping bags, air matts, tents, and most of the food supplies in the trunk. then, my dad managed to shove random cans of food and bottles of water under the seats, and then tried to fit us four in along with a few other bags into the body of the car. no moving space. ugh.

anyhow, it sucked because mom was moody, and taking it out on dad. dad was sick and taking it out on everyone. and tom is just annoying. so anyways, we drive for ten hours, and finally get to the KOA we were planning on staying in. but in short, we couldn't stay. night registration instructions said there were no tent sights, even though we saw a bunch open. that's when dad says there's another KOA about an hour away. so, we go for it.

aaand we get there. only after stopping to eat (yeah, we hadn't eaten yet) we arrived at approx. 11:30. but, we are soon to realize, the bathrooms all have combination locks. and the night registration information gave no codes whatsoever. super user-friendly. not.

so we get back in the car. not really knowing what to do. pissed-off. and tired. finally at about 12:30 missouri time, or 1:30 ohio time, we decided to just get a hotel room. dad wasn't too happy since we're paying so much for gas, but we didn't really have a choice. so we did finally sleep. just not til about one. when we were all still trying to function on ohio time = two in the morning.

today was a little better, considering we have a place to sleep all set up. i've felt sick all day, real light-headed, dizzy. but we'll be seeing my great-grandma tomorrow, then staying with my great-aunt and uncle tomorrow night. i just wish i felt better.

on the up side - tucumcari?? sweet name right? indian or something i suppose. it's pretty here, kinda desert-y, but there's mountains in the distance. i hope i see a road-runner.

Pre-Travel Jitters

yeah so i have the jitters. not because i'm nervous, i'm just hungry.

don't you hate that?? you're soo hungry that you get light-headed and dizzy, shaky...sucks balls man. that's what they made breakfast for, i know, but oh well. crackers make do.

sigh...we're leaving in an hour. to sit in a small car with four people for about 8-9 hours.
and that's just today. hah, 8-9 hours. psh. that'll be nothing to the 11-12 hours later on.

uggggggggggggggghhhh. this is where my mad sleeping skills come in.

My In-Between Moment

sitting here, i realize that i'm kinda tired.
i mean heck, i just got back from church reunion - which was nice by the way, i met a ton of amazing people - and now i'm leaving to go across the country for 2 weeks.
not to mention that i spent my entire time here running out with trent, trying to squeeze in as much time with him as possible before i go become ms. traveler again. not that that's bad. spending a lot of time with trent i mean. because, know you, i DO like him. lol.

you know, it was the smallest thing, but the other day i was at his house and his grandparents stopped by. and when his grandpa said hi, he called me "sari". not that big of a deal, just that my poppy calls me "sari" too so it made me smile.

when i was at work today i was thinking a lot about trent. the other night i kinda had another melt-down...and i hate how i get in those moods. i can be fine one minute, but the next i'm dwelling over the future and how everything is so unpredictable, and i just get scared and frustrated and upset all in one. and then, worst of all, i take it out on trent. like, what did he ever do to me right?? he has been the most amazing guy EVER. i might as well call him mr. prefect. but i get in these moods around him, and even though in my mind i'm depressed and worrying about how he won't be able to hold me when i'm 3 hours away, my body pushes him away, becomes unsocial, and pretty much a bitch.

josh was at trent's house when i got into this "mood". and then later online he was asking me what me and trent were fighting about. i wanted to punch myself.

i just wish i could somehow prevent these moods i get in. because i'm no fun when i'm like that. and i don't like it. and to be honest, something twinged inside when josh thought we had been fighting. because, to tell the truth, i don't think we've fought about anything. and for others to think we were?? that bothers me.

ugh but for now i'll stop. i have to pack still, and i have to do it tonight i think since we're leaving around 9:30ish. or so the Papa says. who knows with him.