A single Wish

Sitting here I wonder how you are
In a town far away
And wish upon all stars and moons
That you're thinking of me too...

Bottled Up

Hunched over in my corner
I steal myself away from the rest
Drawing stares from all directions.
"What's wrong?" they say
And ask with each coming moment.
Curious it is how they wonder now,
Now when all is too far
To be helped and changed.
Now they ponder and notice
When fate has already taken it's turn,
Creating a sunken path for me to fall in step to.
Too late is the hour for me to go back
I kept it all inside
And now when called for
It is too late..

Drawn by Invisible Fate

Bruised and broken..
Bent and torn..
Sad and fearful..
Warned and tearful..
Horror and tragedy..
Death and depression..
Shock and disbelieving..
Broken-hearted and crying..
Terror and killing..
Sorrow and war..
Withdrawn and inevitable.
How horrible this all is, and yet
Instead of turning away,
I'm headed for it all.
It is the future and by all means
I cannot escape...

Beyond knowing and hearing.

A violent whisper of raging silence fills my ears as you
Approach me.
How everything can suddenly disappear into an endless chasm,
A misty abyss that escapes my vision as it plummets deeper
Farther
Just amazes me.
No one is here with me
Except for you
And quite possibly
I might not return
To the hushed noise of the everyday, so that
I could stay here with you in this strained freedom
We share.

So much to say!

Well well well....why haven't I written sooner? Ha..you know, I have been sooo busy you wouldn't believe and now that I finally have free time to type..so here it is.

Band trip=hottness...flippin sweet...good times...BEST times. I love band, I pledge my undying love to it. But anyways...the trip was great, we had a great time touring the towns, the caverns, going to the dinners, and marching in the parade. (Ok, so in the parade we got 2nd place...out of 2..but really I'm ok with that cuz we're not a contest band, marching isn't our forte..the music was great though. I'm so proud.) I took a whole bunch of pictures and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Now, down to my most important point of business...Peter. Omg...so much about him. Well, we have been talking more at school..like a lot more (which shows to me that, yes, he does want to be with me...just not to shout it on the hilltops yet.) And on the band trip, we walked around the towns, caverns, and even sat next to each other at both the dinners. (He held my hand at one of them...definitely one of the high points.) We've been setting online dates...like "ok, well, let's meet online at 8:00 tonight and talk some more.." ya know, simple stuff...and finding that he's sent me an email or 2 isn't such a suprise anymore.

But check this...yesterday..monday...he calls me after school (which really caught me off guard cuz when ever he wants to talk he just gets on the internet to chat, or sends an email or something.) So, we do the whole "hi, how was your day" bit, and-me being the curious type-I say "no offense Peter, but uh...why are you calling me?" and he goes "I wanted you to hear something..."

Now, before I go on with my story, I have to say, on the trip, we were in Tennessee and Peter would tell me how much he hated country music..like at all the restaurants and dinners they would play country music and we would all be clapping and singing...I tried to get him to do, but he wouldn't.

Soooo...he got out his guitar...and he started to play Sweet Home Alabama to me...he sang to me too...and I melted. He called me..out of the blue, just to play me a song on his guitar. Do you realize how hott that is?!? Omg..I thought I might die. Then he said he had to leave, but he'd be on the internet. So I hung up, and logged onto the computer.

I've been kinda depressed lately, my family is bothering me and everything..my name reads "sarah..go ahead, screw with my life, it's not like anything matters.." and he goes..."do I matter?" and when I say yes, you do, I just don't matter, he answers "you matter to me."

Then I tell him what's going on and he tells me that he's there for me..if I need him he's always open to me. I was so touched.

He goes on to ask "so do I get to see you this week? can we hang out after school?" we set up a time..after school today, and we went to hang at his house.

We ended up holding hands...and he kissed me too.....wow, he's such a good kisser, it floored me. So yeah...I still don't know what's going on between us, but after hanging out on the band trip, and him making it obvious to everyone how he feels....I'm pretty confident and happy with how things are going.

Ahh..yes......so that's how things have been. Absolutely great.

Because I have hope...

I am not the smartest person-but because I have hope I try hard everyday.

I am not always right-but because I have hope I keep on guessing.

I am not a great singer-but because I have hope I sing the louder.

I am not the perfect leader-but because I have hope I want to be President
of the United States.

I am not the kindest person-but because I have hope I smile at everyone.

I am not the most popular-but because I have hope I make new friends
everyday.

I am not the most exciting-but because I have hope I try my luck with
humor.

I am not the fastest in the race-but because I have hope I train so that I'm
not the slowest.

I am not sure how life works and why some things just aren't fair-but
because I have hope I try to think of the better and look forward, not
back.

I am not very awake at the moment due to my lack of sleep-and because of
my knowing that I won't be able to be awake much longer, I'm going to
bed!!!!

Happy today.

Well, we did well at our competition yesterday, I got my LTP done, and I'm finally at home. But is that why I'm happy?

..................................no.

It's because I have someone who listens and cares...someone who really likes me for me.......someone who wants to be around me.

Peter is sweet.....and today he gave me this look...a knowing look, full of emotions and silent words that no one could really explain or understand, no one except me. There was something in that look....something that makes me tingly....something that ensures to me that yes, he feels it too.

And I've been smiling all day.......

So fast!! So happy!! So confused...?

Am I a bad person? I've been wondering this all day, and at the end of last night too. What I'm about to say in this entry might shock some people.....I haven't actually declared it. I didn't want to for awhile...I didn't want to believe myself, my feelings. But now I do...and I'm not sure what to do.

See, ok, I have this guy friend. Let's say his name is Peter. Now, I just met him this year. and we've gotten to be really good friends. Well, about 2 weeks before John broke up with me, his girlfriend broke up with him. We talked so much, I was there for him when he was down, and he was there in those last few weeks before my breakup to comfort me when I was so doubting and depressed. After John got rid of me, Peter stood by me even more, if possible. We talked everyday at school and every night on MSN. Now, about the time when he and his girlfriend broke up, I started to get this feeling when I was around him....that perhaps I liked him.

I know, I know, it's wrong. I was still going out with John. But John wasn't there for me anymore, Peter was, and I was closer to Peter then than I was with John. But I still knew it was wrong, so I tried to banish my feelings, and I didn't tell a soul. I forced myself into thinking, no, John is for me...I can't feel this way for Peter.

Now John is gone...and though I missed him, Peter was there. Like I said in the previous entry, I'm over John. So last night Peter called and wanted to go and see a movie. I tried to think nothing of it...I was under the impression he was still getting over him ex...so I lost hope of him possibly having these feelings for me too.

We go to the movies, and sit down, and start talking. Nothing seems weird...nothing at all....but then the movie starts. His arm in on the arm rest, and his hand is dangling down. So, after a few minutes, I feel his fingertips touch my leg. At first I get excited, but then I think it's prolly accidental. But, no. He reaches for my hand and we end up holding hands the whole movie.

Afterward, he tells me that he's liked me ever since about 2 weeks after his breakup....he was already over his girlfriend...and he wanted to say something to me about it but I seemed stuck on my ex. I told him that I had been feeling things too. But then I had to go home...and so many other problems are there too.

If anyone who reads this knows who I'm talking about, please don't say anything. I don't know what's going to come out of this...but I don't want to spread it around til I know. Thanks....

But...yeah. It's been so fast...and I'm happy....like thrilled...but confused. Is this wrong? Am I a bad person?????

...Better? Most likely.

Well. Hmph. What a change a vanilla coke, a phone call, and a couple of conversations can make.

The vanilla coke...well that just helped perk me up a little today...I was tired.

But then after a phone call from one of my guy friends wanting to go to the movie, and after a couple of conversations with certain people, talking about my ex, John, I'm feeling a whole lot better about the whole situation. I'm actually telling myself that I'm better off. Can you believe it?! I can't. But anyways...I'm in a really good mood now..and since I have it in writing..or in print anyway that I getting over him...I'll try not to go back on it. lol. And ya know...it's a good feeling.

My questions in life...

Being a very curious and always wondering human being, I have many unanswered questions that I find myself asking. Here are a few of them...that I can remember at least. (I have many)

1. Are crackers or chips healthier?
2. Pizzas are round, and garbage cans are round, so why do they make pizza boxes square?
3. Should the word "hilarious" be pronounced (high-larious) or (ha-larious)?
4. If there is a "welcome back" then why isn't there a "thank you front"?
5. "cute as a button" Now, since when are buttons cute??
5. Where does weight go when you lose it?
6. Why don't they just let the silly bunny have some Trix cereal???
7. How important does someone have to be before they are "assasinated"instead of "murdered"?
8. How come there isn't any mouse flavored cat food?
---------Now for my more depressing thoughts and questions---------
9. Why can't I stop loving him?
10. People say that I will prolly always love him...so why won't he always love me??????
11. First everything is perfect, then my life is torn to shreds, along with my heart. Why does life have to be so unfair??

Omg....I still am soooo in love....

I hate this hole in my heart. It rips and tears something horrid everytime I see him. I miss him, truly and sincerely, and I still love him. I pray every night for him to maybe remember me and return...but like I've said before, you can't make someone love you back, no matter how much you love them......

A reminder

the night air turns colder as i think of you
i attempt to shrug off the empty feeling i have
now that you aren't here
and the breeze still blows uncaring
unknowing.
perhaps you are out there too
feeling this breeze and being haunted with
the past memories of us
together
daunted by the choice you made.
maybe this slight breeze has caught up in your hair
the thought of me and how different things could be
would be
should be.
then possibly you too would have a full mind of the thoughts
of that night when we parted,
and the colder breeze would blow
bringing everything to light and chilling you too
as i have been chilled with the ghost of your presense.
it would circle about you and arise new wonderings
of me and how we used to be
as it grows colder,
as you grow older.
i turn away, unable to go on with the thoughts
and the cold night air
but i wish and hope that you are followed by my whispered memory
and the cold night breeze.

Love like Rain...

each time you touch me with your fingertips i shiver
a shiver that feels like raindrops
trickling down my body, caressing with a
gentle rhythm,
coursing down my arms and legs,
splashing silently to the floor creating
watery designs, little ripples about me.

the light from your love then catches in your eyes,
my eyes,
reflecting then to the floor where the
pools of water dazzle,
sparkle, emminating colors of love and light,
hues of such splendor and luster
almost creating a stained-glass window at my feet
the energy and life between us showing on your face,
my face,
and the touch you gave me that collected below.

Pneumononultramicroscopicseilicovolcanoconiosis

Ha, well, if that isn't enough to knock you over. I thought this was really cool......it's the longest word in the world!! I won't type in the correct way to pronounce it...I'll let ya figure that one out. But I can say that it's some type of airborne disease. How attractive. lol.

Pop tarts and Guglielmo

Part I. Pop Tarts

Pop tarts. Have they lost their luster? Their taste? Do people not appreciate them as they used to? I have found that throughout my school the students are increasingly declining these sweet snakes and breakfast bars more and more often, turning to the more popular chocolate chip cookies in the vending machines. A crime? Oh yes. A sad fall-out? Most definitely. What is it about pop tarts that isn't appealing anymore? The other day I brought a package of pop tarts with me after school...of the strawberry variety. Normally I like to eat the more updated flavors, such as the Hot Fudge Sundae...but this day was different. These strawberry pop tarts were rather exceptional. So exceptional, in fact, that I was impelled to go about and ask the question, "Hey! Would you like some of my exceptional pop tart?" They were so gooey, yet firm..soft, the crusts just flaky enough, and the center melting in your mouth. I just didn't want it all to myself! Why should I eat it all, when others are about? But did they want it? Oh no...why would anyone want the pop tart? How dare anyone eat the pop tart? I would offer it, and they would decline...but only moments later when a cinnamon roll or a cookie is offered they snatch it up greedily. Discrimination, I say. Pop tarts make perfect snacks....and breakfast too. But why are we giving them the cold shoulder? Such classic samples of flaky pastery should not be ignored...they are just too good.


Part II. Guglielmo

I must say, this second part of my entry shan't last long. I was just overwhelmed by the hilarity of the name. Yes, Guglielmo, it is a name...ha. Some inventor or something...I'm not completely sure, I just saw it the other day and thought people should know. I think the proper innunciation would be (goo-glee-elmo) But whatever..it's just for kicks and laughs.

I. Hate. Myself.

Hello everyone. I've had a pretty fair day today. Ok, I lied. It was awful, I'm so stupid and I can't believe the things I do sometimes.

So for our band trip we have to sign up for out seat partners, right? Well, for the longest time I jsut assumed it would be John....he was my boyfriend. Duh.

But after he broke up with me I thought about that, and I'm thinking...ok, there's one person that I know that doesn't have a partner yet, she's rooming with me, so what's the big deal, I can choose her. What's wrong with this idea?

I CAN'T STAND HER...period.

She used to be a good friend but now I can't stand her and i already have to room with her, sitting with her on the way there would be torture. AND, I still wanted to sit with John. What to do!?

Well, I sat for awhile, pondering this. He might not want to sit with me, he just broke up with me. But maybe he's in a simliar place as me, and doesn't know anyone else to sit with. After much thought, I decide I should prolly ask him.

SO, I get up to ask him, he goes off in another direction, and the other girl (let's call her Ann) gets to me first and asks me outright.

(Another thing about this Ann....I haven't told her I can't stand her anymore yet, so she still thinks I'm still a close friend.)

I say yes...much to my later pain, discomfort, and depression do I regret.

BECAUSE, we go to sign up, and I hear him talking about not knowing who to sit with.


HUH????????????????????????????????? definitely had to check that out.

It turns out he didn't have anyone to sit with. I go "Hey, you don't have a partner?" He says "No, would you like to sit with me?"

OHMIGOD!!! DID HE JUST SAY WHAT I THINK HE SAID?? HE WANTS TO SIT WITH ME!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!! (big smiles)

But, as everyone knows, nothing really ever goes how I plan them. Remember, Annoying Ann??

So I tell him I had waited to see if he would ask me because I didn't think he'd want to sit with me anymore, and he says no, he'd love to.

Then I break the news that since he never said anything, Ann asked and I had to say yes, seeing as he hadn't said anything. He goes "Well ok...I'm sorry" and walks off.

Now, Annoying Ann witnesses all this, and knows very well that I had been wanting so badly to sit with him. She stands there saying "You really wanted to sit with him didn't you?"

HELLO?? DUH!! YOU'VE HEARD ME GO ON ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM STILL AND MISS HIM, ADORE HIM...YADDA YADDA.

She stands there then, and after about 10 minutes decides she could always sit near us, so I could sit with him. YAY!! HOPE!!

Haha...like I've said once, twice, now three times..NOTHING EVER WORKS FOR ME.

I go over to him and tell him our plan. Then he drops the ultimate wors bomb. "I went and found someone to sit with since you said you were with Ann."

There. Now, go, log off, do whatever, but think about this, and think about what a loser/idiot/retard I am feeling like right about now. I think I want to die.

The hole is still there.

Well, here I am. Sunday afternoon. At home. And he's gone.

Wounds heal with time, but only with the light of hope and a ray of faith.

This is something I've been thinking about these past few days. I mean, honestly, I don't want to get over him. I still am entertaining the thought of him coming back to me. And for all anyone knows, he might. But, obviously, he's not going to return to someone who cries, mopes, and dwells every living moment. I don't think ANY guy would go to THAT.

I still haven't been sleeping well, but I've worked it up to at least 5 hours a night, so I think that's good progress. And I'm still not eating my normal amount yet. (When I get depressed, I just don't eat. I ate one meal Friday, and one meal yesterday, and so far, one and a half today. I'm doing better.) I just have to keep a smile on my face, a twinkle in my eye, and an extra bounce in my step to pull it all off.

It has been hard this weekend, I'll admit to anyone. I mean, it's my birthday weekend. For his brithday, it was a 3-day weekend, so I spent 2 of those days with him. Now, all I want to do is run to his house (which is a little more than a small jog..) and throw my arms around him. Or pick up the phone and dial those so frequently punched numbers, and ask his name for the umpt-teenth time. I've tried really hard not to. And I only really dwell and shed tears at night while I'm staring at my ceiling, thinking of him when I know he isn't of me. There is an unusual void in my everyday life right now. Everything seems so off, my days seem so imcomplete, and my inner being always feels as if it's reaching for that one thing...one thing that was there for so long, and then gone.

It's my brother's birthday today. (I know, our B-days are so close together, it's weird.) And I'll be at a party tonight for him...a party very similiar to the one just nights ago. But, I'm pretty sure I won't be leaving it in tears, and I am almost positive my heart won't break into fourths. (It can't break in half, it did last Thursday night, and so now it's in 2 pieces.) Ahh well.

School is tomorrow, but I think I'm ready.

Oh yeah......the hole is still there. I feel it, empty, seeping past memories and good times. But I still love him. I won't just give up. That would be too easy for what I've already been through.

Totally and Completely Dying

(crying as writing this)

I love him sooo much....that's why I had to let him go. He's so busy and confused with life, and I can't help him right now. He was so upset, I actually had to do it. I had to say it was over...at least for now. Oh.....I love him. I love him..I don't know how I'm going to face him today. I couldn't sleep last night...maybe 20 minutes. All I can say is that I was crying, and then I woke up crying. And the clock said it was sometime around 4:oo a.m. when I did both. I just feel so empty and lost and helpless. I want him to hold me...hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be ok. Everything. But, I don't think he can.

He said that maybe, we can get back together. Oh I hope so. I hope he feels the same way right this very instant. I miss him, and I just saw him last night. I missed him as he walked away from me. And when he went out the door, I realized it might be the last time he ever does that. He might not want to come back, come back and be with me. I miss him.......I miss his eyes, the way they looked at me. I miss his smile, because he always made me smile. I miss his touch, because it was like the touch of life. And I'll see those eyes, and that smile, and if I'm lucky, his touch, but they won't be directed to me. He says that if he can't make it, he'll come back as quick as anything. But I don't know. I don't know if he will. All I know is that I will wait for him. I love him....just him. And I will wait for him as long as it takes.

They say if you love someone, you let them go. I did, and now all I feel is pain. Maybe he'll come back. But....I just don't know.

Oh God...I love him and it hurts....but now he's free..............................